Not sure...

soo somehow.. some way... i got back on this Xanadu kick.. wow. When i was little that movie was the greatest thing i had ever seen i drove my poor family nuts with it!!! thought it was the most magical thing ever. probably because i was little, i had an active imagination.. and hell its an 80's movie.. everything about the 80's is magical.. even horror movies.. which i looooveeee.. i don't like any movies made after the 80's except for a select few. so now i have downloaded every single Olivia Newton John song i could possibly find. god i feel pathetic. lol.. and there i am in the city today rocking out to Magic.. and all the gang bangers were giving me looks.. hahahah.. i musta looked like a dork. but thats ok.. they look like dorks too! 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

yeah.. thats all

Dave..

Lately its the little things that count so much. its the friends we meet.. its the words of hope i hear.. its the comfort knowing i am not alone.. that give me strength to preserver.. to continue on.. in the darkness that i find myself wading through.. trying desperately to make sense of.. to come to terms with my life.. and things i have to accept.. i deal that i can not save the child that i love dearly. that i have no more to do with his life. i have to step back somehow. somehow let what is going to happen, happen.. even though i know it will ruin his innocence.. even though i know that everything i fought to protect him from will be for nothing. all i want in this life is to hold him in my arms once again and tell him its going to be ok.. and actually mean it.. and know i am telling him the truth.. that it will be ok.. that he can be happy. i want him to know how much i love him. there is no love like a mothers love.. it knows no bounds. it is endless.. as far as the night is long. to the world i am not his mother.. to me and timmy i am. he told me so. no matter what happens no matter where he is.. i will all ways be his mother. in my heart he will all ways be my son. he will all ways have a place in my heart. in my home and in my life. i don't care what anyone else things or says. i shed tears for him when i found out he wasn't coming home.. mike.. apparently didn't want to comfort me.. all i got was this is what you wanted isn't it? no. i wanted timmy to come home. its like everyone is stone around me..  and then my friend came back to me.. my friend who understands.. who gets me.. and thank god. i have peace. he listened. he held me with his words.. maybe now i can heal. maybe now things can come together and reality will stop assaulting me with its harshness. people.. if you have someone in you life like this.. hold tight.. never let them. go. if even in your darkness.. they can give you light.. they are worth keeping. never take them for granted.  

The way things are...

Sooo.. as i learn and cope and deal with things that are thrown at me.. another things brings me down.. my name appeared in the paper b.c there is a retarded cop that has no idea how to protect annominity. you would think he would have some sense on how to protect a victim family. apparently not. just wow. so after that blew over.. things are quiet.. and that scares me. they say no news is good news... but i am not so sure. we are supposed to go to CT next weekend.. hopefully i can. i am just really happy i have people to fall back on.. that are there for me. 

Susquehanna County

Sometimes people can't see past the tip of there nose, sure Susquehanna County is a poor run down looking county but it is rich with love, rich with families who have been there for generations, getting by on the crops they grow. No other county i have ever been to can compare to Susquehanna here the people know what a hard days work is and still know what respect is. Something city people have long forgotten. Where they know you at every food store, every diner, restaurant, bar and barber shop, and yes they still have corner barber shops. Its like taking a step back in time. Its a breath of fresh air for me at least. a place to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. This place were god still walks freely among his people. It is all going to go away very soon. No one is seeing this coming though i see it like a wild possessed freight train smashing into the county. The oil river running under Susquehanna county carries with it a curse, the curse of industry, soon the whole county will have leased out some part of their land... will have huge oil rigs... on their farms.. pollution will start.. their crops will start dying.. but they wont care.. they will be making money off the oil they are selling.. the people that were once respectful church going country folk will grow to have that city money hungry mentality... they will loose site of where they came from.. forget their history.. turn into demons of greed. and when the oil river has dried up.. they will be left with nothing.. their crops will be dead and gone.. and we will have another Flint Michigan on our hands. so i say farewell to you susquehanna county. you were a beautiful place.

Where i am at

Given all that is going on i have an erie calm. nothing is bothering me. its like somehow i have found a way to move on and preserver.. i got the strength to rise up above all this. maybe i have given up. but im not sure. i keep pushing through.. the depression has lifted. i have learned to find happiness in small things. to laugh when my dog does something cute, to smile no matter how i am feeling. somehow that is working. we have no money, i have no job, my family is broken apart, i lost my child to the devil but i have found a way to forgive. our minister told me i had to to find peace. he is right. when i decided to truly forgive him for what he did to me and my family, i could begin healing. it is a slow process but every day i feel better. i had it in my head that i was going to send him this letter saying that i hated him. i don't. i understand that he has a problem. he doesn't realize that what he did is wrong. his letter from the prison confirmed my suspicions that he has no concept of what he has done. he doesn't realize the tidle wave of destruction he caused. my life will go on. i will be okay. somehow. i will continue. no person will bring me down again. i am stronger and wiser for this. i have learned. and instead of calming up and shutting down i am not going to let him win. i will come out on top. i am strong. i have friends and good ones that sick with me. its funny how when you need them most friends who have been out of your life have a way of appearing again. one in particular i am very grateful for. he showed up at just the right time on facebook. he knows who he is. just when i was loosing faith in humanity. when i though everyone was corrupt he came back into my life. and thank god. and i do.

I want to share this with everyone.. if there is anyone.... me the one who wrote about catholics.. oy.. i am going to share a religiouse thing with you. if you havent hear this song download it. please.

Amazing Grace (Jars of Clay)

I grew this heart into a drifter

I never felt the roots I bare

I sold my sight, oh brother, sister

For a mountain of fool's gold, it's gone 

Only God knows, God knows where

My soul was restless for redemption

My feet were lookin' for a place to stand 

Well I ain't got no life

And you know I ain't got no money 

Just the faith of an empty hand

Amazing Grace I feel you coming up slowly now

Like the sun is risin', heat on my face

Oh love that keeps on shinin', don't let the shadow come

Ya know I gotta feel you healin' rays

I hitched a ride, I was a beggar

I had Murder on my hands 

I needed water to rinse theses stains

But only blood could remove what's spillin'

And pardon me the blame

Amazing Grace I feel you coming up slowly now

Like the sun is risin', heat on my face

Oh love that keeps on shinin', don't let the shadow come

Ya know I gotta feel your healin' rays

take what you want from this.. it has a good message.

Thoughts..

What is left behind that makes us memorable? is it the friends we make? the lives we touch? the good we do? i suppose it is. Its all about how you live your life. we shouldn't be so concerned that there is a god watching us and judging us. we should be more concerned with what did we leave. will we be a drop in the water or a ripple that continues on forever. that affects all we touch. the legacy will continue. if we are good to one another. if we love unconditionally. if we are at peace with ourselves and our lives. we can have a ripple effect on those around us. much like jason. he touched many lives. he serves as a reminder that good people exist. people who make life worth living. and in his light we can live as he did. we can continue the legacy long after people have forgotten him.

Jason French

The world lost a good person on monday. Frenchy.. for all of you who didn't get to know him. you missed out. to those who did.. you were the lucky few. And as life continues to revolve around us.. as the world continues to thrive. there will be a few people who stop and remember the life of a great man. who take the time to remember all that he did for us. who take the time to love and care for people as he did. Jason, you will be missed. 

Life...

so i have no hot water currently.. we ran out of propane.. ick. i really really want to take a shower but cant. and michael some how expects me to light the pilot light.. is he insane? ill find a way to burn the house down. i am good at retarded stuff. i just want to have hot water so i can go to the store i would look like hairy swamp thing if i left now.. its disgusting. i keep getting the balls to go in and take a cold shower and mike keeps talking me out of it. rar. well.. i dunno.. not much else.