Trip To CT

We finally got away for a few days.. it was LOTS of fun!! saw a lot of my family.. and actually found out that some of them i never thought were human actually are. (how strange is that?) i had a weird moment where i thought i was going to start bawling.. actually i was.. if i hadn't gone for a walk and called dave i would have. it was really hard being around all the other kids and the happy families knowing that i once had that. i think the worst thing in the world is loosing a child. but i pulled myself together and forced myself to have fun. we had a great clam bake, a good cook out... boat rides... long walks... strolled around niantic for a while... then we went to Kent and wandered around Macedonia for a few hours.. it was all over good.. and it was really nice to see dave again.. i really missed him. :) so thank god for the long needed break!

OMG! The Fair... and Jimmy hehe

So we had a fun time.. but jimmy was the funniest part.. i got to his house.. and he was sitting out there with a screwdriver (vodka and oj.. not the tool) in a Turkey Hill Lemonade bottle.. (geepers.. he could have at least put it in an oj container!!!) so he was "drunker than a catfish" as he says... like woah! so i offer to help him bring his stuff back inside.. and he starts telling me how he is at war with the pigeons??? (ok so at this point i look where he is pointing.. uh.. there aren't any pigeons...) so i ask.. why are you at war with them? he goes.. "well they sit up there and shit on me all day!" (i still don't see any pigeons...) so we get in the car and go to the fair.. the whole time he was telling us stories... good ones too.. as soon as we get to the fair we go see my aunt jill.. get our tickets and go in... well Jimmy starts asking about apple dumplings and do they have to come with ice cream? umm no? so after that we wonder around.. and he decides to try to go in the moon bounce (the one for children!!) they usher him away... mike and i walk really quickly in the other direction. he catches up with us.. we took some pictures and head to the cows and what not.. then we found the truck pull.. we got dinner and sat there and watched it.. then they announced they were going to do the raffle drawing.. so i said i would go over.. jimmy came with me.. mike stayed at the truck pull.. well as it turns out this opening ceremony they were doing the drawing at was 1 and 1/2 hours long.. ugg.. and jimmy was getting antsy at this point.. he started saying things really really loudly! so the poor queen of the fair is giving a speech about why people go to fairs.. here's jimmy.. he goes... "it ain't for the beer!! there isn't any!" i was like jimmy shhhhh!! lol.. he had a few more things to say too.. oy.. then.. they start the raffle.. well we didn't win on the $25 or $50 they get to the $100... they call the number it isn't ours... jimmy stands up.. to leave... (oops) and they go "looks like we have a winner!!" i was pulling him down saying sit jimmy!! seriously!! well he finally does after some fighting.. and they go.. is he a winner? i was like no.. he's just stupid.. lol.. omg.. then we leave.. and  go to the car to get my sweater.. the sun has gone down at this point.. it was freezing!! well my phone was dead.. so i plugged it in for a min in the car.. jimmy sits in the back.. i THOUGHT he was smoking his cigarette.. but he wasn't i suddenly smell weed.. omg... i go are you smoking a bowl? he goes "yeah why you want a hit?" i was like noooooo!!!! so here he is drunk and high.. wow. we walked around for a little while after that.. on the way home we stop to visit grandma and grandpa's graves.. to weed around them and say a few words.. well jimmy wouldn't stop talking.. but he was telling a story about my grandpa. then we get back to Clarks Summit.. i say.. hey jimmy did you tell mike about the pigeons? he goes noo, and tells him the story.. then says "oh did i tell you i have a slingshot?" so mike and i bust out laughing.. picturing him with two sticks and a pair of underwear trying to shoot pigeons off the electric line.. wow.. so.. it was a fun day to say the least!

Going to try...

today i am supposed to go to the fair... we are picking up the drunk guy.. who is always funny.. i haven't seen my "Sharkey" in a long time. who just had to fuck with me on the phone a second ago. he's at work but leaving early to go with us. said he was happy i called when i did.. kept him from having to load the tent into the truck.. it looked like a bunch of crazy monkeys at the circus... oy... weird-o's .... so we will see how this goes.. i am going to take my camera.. i hope to get lots of pictures this year.. i never do any other year... the Wyoming County Fair is a big well to do out here. and one of these years i will actually remember to submit some artwork to the art part... oops... i guess even in my clouded sleepless state i am a small glimmer of excited to go.. its one of my favorite things in this world... maybe its what i need? family, good country family... some of Overfield's Apple Dumplings (LOL) and friends.. and fun... we will  see... i am just happy "Clarkey" is going.. ok i should explain.. his name is Jimmy Clark aka ... 1. "The drunk guy" (thats at party's "who's the drunk guy?") 2. "Sharkey" (while he is at work no fucking clue) 3. "Clarkey" (the bar the own lee place calls him that) 4. "Jimmy" thats what i call him.. cause thats this damn name!! lol.. but sometimes i change it up. he is an aged hippy... who got drafted... he's in pitiful shape and it is my life long project to get him to go to AA with me.. he is one person who i feel could benefit from it. (yes i know i slandered the hell out of AA in an earlier entry) but.. i dunno.. he is religious... and he needs to stop drinking!! he is amazing though.. he is the most functional alcoholic i have ever met! he goes to work drives his car.. does everything normal... and completely uninhibited.. its actually kind of impressive. and the cops in CS seem to leave him alone.. they know he isn't causing trouble. it seems like they dont mess with you if you don't give them good reason.. well anyways.. jimmy and his beaver chewed walking stick (hahah inside joke) are going with us... should be fun. more on it later.. with pictures :)

Crazy (Gnarls Barkley)

I remember when, I remember

I remember when i lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that place 

Even your emotions have in echo in so much space

And when you're out there without care 

Yeah, i was out of touch

But it wasn't because i didn't know enough

I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Possibly

And i hope that you are

Having the time of your life

But think twice 

That's my only advice

Come on now, who do you 

Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?

ha ha ha, bless your soul

you really think you're in control?

 

Well, i think you're crazy 

i think you're crazy

i think you're crazy

just like me

My heroes had the heart

To lose there lives out on a limb

And all i remember

Is thinking, i want to be like them

Ever since i was little

Ever since i was little

it looked like fun

and it's no coincidence i've come

and i can die when i'm done

but maybe i'm crazy 

maybe you're crazy

maybe we're crazy

probably

Blur...

i am starting to think that i am a little disillusioned.. my reality is slowly slipping away.. my awake world is starting too look more like my asleep world.. i am beginning to become fearful... when will this end? can i get no peace? i just want to lay next to love... then maybe ill feel whole.. the emptiness eats me alive. think they may be coming for me soon.

why...

why the hell did i have to add color to the melting guy?? fuck what the hell is wrong with me?!? hate it. but here.

something

Well i feel a little better...

maybe its just that i need sleep.. maybe its that i am insane. i do have it good.. things just aren't good.. its amazing that with out your emotional needs being met.. nothing else can fall into place. but i got to talk to my dear friend. so i feel all right for now. still a little down.. but the worst part has passed for today.. one day at a time.. or maybe for me.. its a minuet at a time. thank god for friends. thank god for dave.

I just want to go..

I just want to drive.. drive far.. and fast.. without direction.. without purpose.. with out care.. i want to see where i end up.. i'm not sure if anything is right anymore.. or maybe i'm just not sure of anything.. god.. i feel so trapped.. trapped in my physical mental and emotional agony.. i'm sliding off the edge again.... slipping through the crack... where are you erin? you get that.. *sigh* that was a lifetime ago. everything is a life time ago! i feel like i could just burst. sometimes i wish i would.. would be a funny way to go... wtf happened here? we don't know.. looks like she exploded?? ha! how like me would that be? just wish i had a place.. a place that is all good.. no such place exists.. god i need a job.. i need to do something.. i need to get out of this!!!! i am wallowing.. i hate wallowing.. damn my dad for being right! aragh! why is the world so damn cruel???? how can a guy like tim be aloud to have his son? and i who took excellent care of him.. and loved him to no end... cant? that asshole will starve him and beat him.. god i hate him. of course.. i cant tell him that. im loosing it.. i really am.. i'm cracking.. help someone.

Who the hell am i?

the great dilemma! not really sure any of us know the answer to that.. recently i was faced with some hard choices.. my answers to them.. leave me thinking well is that really something i would do?? not really sure.. what difference does it make what i do anyways? no ones watching.. *sigh* i think i might be spiraling into depression and taking a few people with me.. or they are taking me with them.. what has this place come to? this life? were you cant even trust your own family? its like one big joke.. we all get together and pretend to like each other. why? for what purpose? we dont have to. but we feel obligated to. i wish i could just slip away.. somehow.. just start over.. make better choices... do something worthwhile. stop blaming myself for things i cannot change. for things i had nothing to do with. i have all ways been good at drawing a nonexistent parallel line between myself and the bad that happens to people. and all i want is for  good to come to those i care about. but my mom says.. Karin you can't save the world! well why not?!? im determined enough.. everyone is so negative.. how about some positive for a change? fuck who am i kidding.. the world is a negative place. if everyone wanted to make a difference.. there would be a huge change.. but no one cares.. no one can see past the tip of their noses. where did humanity go wrong?