New Work

"its going in Your living room!" (heheh.. inside joke)




this one was for mike.. i wasn't gonna finish it.. but he talked me into it.



and this is me.. hahah.. making these... ugg

Worlds Collide...

its amazing how worlds collide.. i was just thinking how i don't think i ever go back to the marve.. bc i just don't fit in.. (ah my mind wonders) i am no different than all the other richy rich kids.. grew up the same had all the same opportunities.. got to go on all the same trips.. etc. but i am nothing like them. i have my moments where i can PLAY the snob to pacify people.. but i really am not. and i look at all these kids i graduated with.. and well .. they really haven't changed.. its all about appearances.. and who the hell gives a shit about appearances? not me! if i went back there.. id hang (correction from dave: the word is Hide not hang lol) with the kitchen people lol.... wouldn't that be weird? but it is the marve and gossip would be king! *sigh* interesting. i hate all those whiny bitches.. they don't know or care who they hurt. so fuck them and there money.. they don't know what life really is. and one day their high horse will get tired of carrying them around and they will fall.. and then maybe then they will understand what it means to be a fucking human.

My mom..

my mom and i have been going at it like wild dogs. i don't know what to do. she has been helping me out so much.. but i know she hates a lot about me. it's getting to this point where the tension is so intense i dread talking to her. i cant seem to do anything right in her eyes. i guess thats pretty normal though. i dunno.. this is just not what i need right now... this has just been the year from hell.....

CYS can suck a dick!

CYS had decided to go through timmy to tell us to bring his stuff to him. and they took it upon themselves to threaten timmy and tell him if we did not bring his stuff to him he would no longer be aloud to speak with us. it is so fucking utterly disgusting. i hate how they do things. what's wrong with them? has this child not gone through enough? now they have to threaten him with things that aren't in his control. fucking sick. they don't even have the balls to handle it like an adult!

Update: Apparently CYS had nothing to do with this.. it was just timmy's terrible foster parents, they made all their own decisions and CYS way really pissed when they found out.

I am more lucid at night..

After a long conversation with an old and dear friend... i found some about myself. maybe i am a cynic? not sure. the question came up.. is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? *sigh* i can go either way on this... loosing a child is like losing light.. like loosing air.. like loosing something necessary to live. i asked do you right now regret that you do not have a child? the answer was no.. i am not ready. well.. at the time timmy came to me i wasn't either. i wasn't thinking of children. but he fell in my lap. he gave me purpose.. he gave me a new breath an awakened spirit. now that he is gone i am aware of how much of an impact he made. i am aware that i miss him. that i have a void that needs to be filled. had i never experienced that i wouldn't know. the old ignorance is bliss rings more true than the saying before. a person can never understand the pain i do, unless they have lived it.. loosing a loved one.. husband, boyfriend, pet what have you pales in comparison. i am broken. and i am walking blindly through this life.. searching.. i am back on the prowl.. so to speak.. i feel like a drone.. i feel like i have no more sense of purpose. and no one understands. people can understand the love a mother feels for their child. it is the most intense love there is. and the hardest thing to hear is mommy i want to come home. and knowing you cant give that child what they want. or mommy i miss you, i love you. try to swallow those words and have to be strong and give a straight answer back. it isn't easy. if there is a god.. he really hates me. i have decided to keep this conversation away from my life .. my friends don't want to hear about it anymore. but its all i want to talk about. its all i can think about. it plagues my mind. my dreams. my life. my everything. i never know what tomorrow will bring. but it wont bring happiness. not for me. its so weird.. i for some reason today thought i might die. and i was ok with it. i had accepted the fact that something was going to kill me. and i wasn't dreading it at all. just stupidly calm.. or maybe i was numb. i don't know.. how can one life have such a ripple effect on so much of mine? but another day is here.. and i am going to pretend.. i will smile in your face and tell you i am fine. i will continue living my lie. until i no longer can. until you become interested again. because i am not fine. and i am not going to be not for a long time.

Halloween starts in September...

is it really that bad that its sep and my halloween decorations are already up? i am no where near done with them yet.. i have a looonnggg way to go.. it takes me forever to get them all up so i start ridiculously early...well everyone is telling me i am insane.. and today.. i was in the dollar store and there were christmas decorations on sale.. christmas... and i am the crazy one.. just wow.. talk about rushing the season.. lol.. halloween is my favorite holiday.. i dont know why it just holds the most magic for me.. i hold a huge party... costume of course.. and this year with the new house and all i intend for it to be bigger than all the years before! and we can have  a bonfire too.. i cant wait... so i got all hyped up and started early so shoot me.. lol so in the spirit i am on a horror movie kick.. so far ive watched all the friday the 13th's all the nightmare on elms.. all the halloweens and i am moving in to evil dead... and if i could just uncover sleep-away camp ill be a happy camper.. (ok lame) anyways.. im just babbling..

Everyone needs to see this..

well at least the first thirty mins of it... 

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/

further proof of points i have been trying to make.

no sleep

omg i am still freggin awake.. i wish my head would stop pounding!

Dead Fish

Ok.. so i just went to feed my fishies.. if you know me you know i HATE fish.. i am TERRIFIED of fish. and it all dates back to a long time ago in my life. Well aside from hating fish.. i really really am horrified by dead fish. well mike told me the other day that he flushed "Tin Fins" our ginormous fish. I just went in there and the other fish that is tiger striped was floating upside down. i screamed. it scared the ever-loving fuck out of me. well i decided to tough it out cause i didn't want the other ones to die. so i fed them and decided to put a tank buddies fungus clear in there to be sure they weren't sick. well as they are eating the other fish keep pushing the dead one towards me *shiver* i ended up running from the room screaming. so i get to thinking "wow.. i am fregging nuts!" so i look up online and there is an actual word for the fear of fish!!! WTF?? its called "Ichthyophobia" sooo i cant even read this with out keeping a straight face. Now i know my fear is real.. but.. wow... seriously? there is a medical name for this? this page goes on to talk about this program they have to overcome this fear. so i keep looking around and there are all these silly fears.. the fear of clouds...aka "nephophobia" or.. the abnormal dislike or fear of walking "bathmophobia" uhhh isn't that laziness? or how about this one?? the abnormal fear or dislike of work... "ergasiophobia" think everyone suffers from that.. just thought i would share this... b/c i really really couldn't take it seriously. and i am the one afraid of dead fish.. i have no excuses

Trip To CT

We finally got away for a few days.. it was LOTS of fun!! saw a lot of my family.. and actually found out that some of them i never thought were human actually are. (how strange is that?) i had a weird moment where i thought i was going to start bawling.. actually i was.. if i hadn't gone for a walk and called dave i would have. it was really hard being around all the other kids and the happy families knowing that i once had that. i think the worst thing in the world is loosing a child. but i pulled myself together and forced myself to have fun. we had a great clam bake, a good cook out... boat rides... long walks... strolled around niantic for a while... then we went to Kent and wandered around Macedonia for a few hours.. it was all over good.. and it was really nice to see dave again.. i really missed him. :) so thank god for the long needed break!