CT again..

we went to ct.. the race never even happened it got stormed out! rar.. but T thought the storm was cool anyways! :) we went to the lake house in Old Lyme and my mom took me and T to a great book store called "The Book Barn" it was a multi building bookstore.. they buy old books and sell books for like a buck. they were all themed, like one was horror themed.. for the horror books.. it had spider-webs a black cat.. a live one.. gargoyles etc. there was a goat pen that was cool too one tried to eat my dress. i had a good time. we went into some other stores too little shoppes and had lunch at some seafood place on the boardwalk in Niantic. great food at that too. then we headed back for Fairfield. My dad changed my oil, my bother came home stoned and we didn't see him at all while we were there. guess he doesn't care to see me.. thats cool. screw him too. we hung out with N and looked at some wedding pictures he too. he is soo good with a camera.  i am quite jealous one of the ones in particular was the flower girl on the fountain. he captured that one almost flawlessly.. then N followed us back to Pa and spent the night here on friday, he is gone now.. he will be back monday we hope!!!! he went to visit some other friends in central pa.. :( we miss him :) lol.. well any ways.. thats all!

Interesting Lyrics...

So everyone i know hates and i mean hates Phish.. but me.. i love them. they all say that their lyrics are shit. i dissagree. does anyone ever take the time? probably not.. well here's some... 

"Farmhouse"

Welcome this is a Farmhouse

We have cluster flies alas

And this time of year is bad

We are so very sorry,

There's little we can do 

But swat them

She didn't beg oh, not enough

She didn't stay when things got tough

I told a lie and she got mad

She wasn't there when things got bad

I never say the northern lights

I never really heard of cluster flies

Never ever saw the stars so bright

In the farmhouse things will be alright

Woke this morning to the stinging lash 

Every man rise from the ash

Each betrayal begins with trust

Every man returns to dust

take or think from that what you will .. i think its intuitive, and there is a story, all you phish haters suck.

idle thoughts.

I was sitting here listening to the four seasons and the temptations, thinking about my life. i am taking timmy to CT on sunday night, my dad placed first in class first in fleet in the boat race therefore he is going to finals. he invited me and timmy as one of the crew. everyone keeps reminding me that not many people have chances like this. i feel like i take what was given to me in life for granted. that i just float on with out realizing that i am a very lucky person. i had vacation homes, boats, cars, vacations... i saw many things.. not a lot of people get that. am i that oblivious? i am just happy i can give that to timmy. i was brushing up on his nautical speak, teaching him about the boat so he can be a useful crew member rather than a tagalong.... and my friends here in pa think i am insane because i know all about boats. sail boats are for snobs. i guess... but its what i know. and i am excited to share it with timmy. we are going on a mommy son vacation. he will die when he sees how intense the race will be. i grew up on the beach, at the university swimming pool the lake and the cascades.. i can take him to the boardwalk at captain's cove... its his birthday. i don't know... why does everyone need to make me second guess my life? is it really bad that i had all that? or is it just shear jealousy? because if thats the problem ill take everyone with me the next time. my family was brought up to not be snobby and posh like the rest of the rich kids. i think i avoided the stigma that goes with it. i am far from a snob. i spend my life sharing what i have and loving everyone. a snob couldn't or wouldn't give a normal non rich person the time of day! that is not me i talk to everyone. fuck.

From Great To Shit...

i was so happy.. i thought i could move out to montrose and actually have a nice place out there... well as it turns out the base pay for a CNA in montrose is $7.75 and i would like to add that the minimum wage in pa is $7.15 so i would make just a little over minimum. its ridicules! in scranton a CNA makes $15.95 and its only one county away. the worst part is the rent in montrose is just the same as the rent in scranton. its unreal. so now we are looking in tunkhannock, i used to believe in fate, i thought that i was meant to meet the man i did in montrose when i was looking for an a house. i thought that it was destiny that my dream would be full-filled earlier than i thought i would come to fruition. if i can't find anything in tunkhannock i will look BACK in clarks summit. i am not a huge fan of cs but.. a home is a home and i just want one. i want to be some place i can be happy. we'll see if that can happen. i hope if ANYONE is reading this please say a prayer or send some good chi for me... what ever you believe. please

A.A. NOT Today!

My friend whom i spoke of in my last entry and i have recently been attending A.A. it is required for her drug rehabilitation program. My initial experience was all right, people there tend to throw phrases around such as; "sober life is an easier life," "we can stay sober if we take one day at a time," this is all well and good but then they start getting into this.... "the only way to be sober is to have a vital spiritual awakening," "give it up to god" and "he (god) is giving you a gift, take it." this is where my attitude changes, i have no other reason to go to A. A. except to support my friend. so i get to thinking these poor people are are becoming brainwashed into a religious following! they all so badly want to change their lives and everyone around them tells them about god. (this just goes back to my previous entry about how christianity is so forced!) to me admitting that you are powerless over your addiction (which has been proven time and time again to not be true, oh and might i add the "disease" of alcoholism.... disease..... a fucking disease.... look, the girl i am going with quit HEROIN on her own which is 1,000,000,000 times more addictive than Alcohol did she run around calling it the disease of heroinism? no because it isn't a fucking disease, you made it one to glorify the fact that you don't have any will power!) ok.... and that a "higher power" (which seems to only be god although they say you can pray to rock) will restore you to sanity, which means you are absolving yourself of all responsibility, you are giving it up to god! he will save you! you no longer have any control over your own life. yes you do! JUST STOP DOING IT! it really is that easy! you made the choice to pick up that first drink and you made the choice to continue drinking until you became addicted and could no longer decern when you had enough. now just make the decision to JUST STOP. the one step program. you don't need your imaginary friend god to do it for you. what happened to personal power? self esteem? the human mind and spirit? poof! out the window it went! you all ready made the first step, you went to A. A. so you must have a desire to quit right? well... find a good friend like we did and both of you can pray to each other *rolls eyes* my friend who i am attending this with is forced to go, yes forced, court ordered to believe in god! (what ever happened to the separation of church and state?!!?) she is court ordered to say "the lords prayer" (which cracks me up, because most christians don't know that that isn't really a prayer, it's jesus telling us what to pray for. retards.) and let me tell you something, you probably think they wouldn't notice in a group of 40 people if we prayed or not, boy let me tell you they do! they take notice and they then decide they are pompous and arrogant enough to come over to you and holler at you for not doing just that. these meetings where the old familiar smell of burnt out church candles stings the nostrils and burnt coffee fills the air, people are becoming brainwashed in basements of churches and schools all over the country, to the eerily yet soothing smell. drones blindly following the man with the candles, giving up all their personality to this man, or woman or what have you. it's headache inducing, someone actually said, "it takes two months to manipulate peoples brains" and even though they put it right out on the table the sheep follow blindly. Its like a scary cult, i mean think about it, they take away your self worth, they force you to believe in god, they force you to pray, they only feed you coffee and if you are lucky donuts, they meet in basements of churches and schools where no one can see them, you are only aloud to talk about certain things, and you have to be an alcoholic. in fact on that note... i had to lie the last time and say that i was an alcoholic or i would have been kicked out. in-fact they almost kicked out one girl because she was a drug addict and didn't say that she was an alcoholic (truth be told a lot of N.A. members go to A.A. because a lot of drug dealers go to N.A. to peddle their wares) so this poor girl go singled out in front of a group of 46 people all staring at her... i thought god didn't discriminate.

Wicked thoughts...

For some time now i have been trying to help my good friend with a heroin addiction. she has been clean for a while. doing great but dealing with some hard issues such as relationships. her man in in rehab many states away. he cheated on her a long time ago. more than once. i am very concerned for her. its hard. and in helping her deal i am revisiting some of my own somber emotions towards my break up two years ago. the guy i loved cheated on my many times through out our 5 year relationship. i knew.. but i didn't really know until one of the girls a lesbian might i add became pregnant. it is hard for me because i apparently haven't dealt much with my life as it is. and i am very content. and its always when you are content that things go terribly wrong. i love my life. i love my family and i couldn't ask for a thing more. and this friend with the problem has become a cherished member of our family. both me and michael love her to death. me and this girl have been through so much together, we survived flipping my car, and we survived our men treating us like yesterdays trash. and some how through it all we remained best friends, aside from my male best friend. lol. its just odd how we as humans can find ways to just numb our emotions and move one. and they hit just when you don't expect them to.

Holier Than Thou...

It is amazing how Catholics (NOT ALL CATHOLICS but a far majority) believe they know all and are sooooooo "holier than thou" i said something . . . like . . . "Jesus Christ" or something like that. i didn't notice, however when this person rudely and offensively brought it to my attention. She then proceeded to pompously tell me that "its like how you didn't appreciate it when someone killed a bee (on my desk might i add) in class." she then proceeded to tell me "bee's have no soul, they are a finite creature, when they die they die. i mean who had a burial for a bee?" well you arrogant bitch i do. and i did. so excuse the fuck out of me! she wants me to be tolerant to her beliefs but she fucking knows all. so then i was sitting there and she says "what's the matter?" and this is the problem with this type of catholic they don't even realize when they have offended someone of another religion because they think they are justified due to the fact that the church preaches that their "god" is the one true god. they are soo oblivious to reality. and aren't christians supposed to be super aware? so i handled it by writing her a note that went something like this. 

" This is as non confrontational as i can be. my objective is not to offend you even though you have done just that. you expect religious tolerance but you don't know the meaning of the word. you think religious tolerance is for you and you alone. As soon as you brought my slip up to my attention, i apologized to you and i admitted it was disrespectful to your beliefs. you then proceeded to chastise me saying in so ,any words what i believed was wrong. "who burries a bee?" "bee's are finite creatures." well let me tell you something after class i went and found that finite bee, and took him out of the garbage, where btw he was still alive and writing in pain. so let me ask you, if he was finite as you said is writing in pain the last thing he should feel. they do have nerves and can feel pain! we said a prayer for said bee apoloigizing for his pointless death brought on by a creature who should have known better. and i an DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO BEES! Every creature great and small deserves love and respect, as YOUR "God" preaches. i was once a born again christian. i worked with Mother Theresa's soup kitchen in the bronx. i was a missionary. i left the church b/c it is so one sided. they have a terrible attitude towards anyone else's beliefs and yet they preach tolerance! Practice what you preach. RESPECT my religion as you expect me to respect yours. i apologized for what i said, you chastised me. you offended me to my core and yet i got no apology."

only in the USA. fuck.

Today.

Today turned out to be a BEAUTIFUL day!! We spent our morning galavanting around town, Timmy and I got the Sheets version of the 7-11 Slurpie... then we went to kitty's house to find her. she wasn't home after wards we looked for Jimmy Clark.. couldn't find him so then we called is work, he was there.. he told us to follow Waverly road to Lackawanna state park. He lied. we didn't find it. but we were close to Keystone College. so i decided to stay on the back road and follow it up. We met up with some of my old college buddies.. the lifers, Mark Chuck gave Timmy some clay to take home.. well like 30 Lbs of it. then he gave us CORRECT directions to the state park. they were great. except for the fact that the park lied. they put the sign where there was no park! WTF? so we drove 4 miles in the wrong direction, only to fine if i had gone literally another 10ft we would have been at the park before that!!! so upon finally finding the park, we sat there basking in the sunshine timmy caught some tadpoles.. only they were the largest tadpole i have ever seen! we took two home along with the frog eggs with the understanding that when they turned to frogs they would be returned to the park. then we went and picked kitty up and grilled hot dogs and hamburgers outside. we watched a few shows and then took kitty home. you know there is something to be said about flying down the road with the wind in you hair at 11:30 at night blasting the doors.. there is also something to be said for drinking too much NyQuill.. oops.

Something to think about...

"When is a man Educated?" "When he can look upon the universe, now lucid and lovely, now dark and terrible, with a sense of his owen littleness in the great scheme of things, and yet have faith and courage. when he knows how to make friends and keep them, and above all, when he can keep friends with himself.

When he can be happy alone and high-minded amid the drudgeries of life. When he can look into a wayside puddle and see something besides mud, and into the face of the most forlorn mortal and seen something divine. 

When he knows how to live, how to love, how to hope, how to pray -- is glad to live . . .  and has in this heart a bit of song."

-Joseph Fort Newton

I found this on the side of my Teahouse Chai tea.. thought i should share it :)

I have been spending my day carting around Carrone (Karen) to the bank to the market and to her dads house. she pays his bills for him, he can't see very well. then i came home and made some calls about my auto insurance because i have to find insurance for the new car.. gurrrr.. and i also went to Everything's Natural which is one of my FAVORITE stores. i got some Tazo tea.. love the stuff.. :) so nothing much really happening here.

Tired...

i am just so damn tired.