The day the world went away..

If i had to pick a series of events i didn't want to string together to be a day in my life.. today would be it. I have been feeling terrible lately, the stress and dark waves sarah brought into my hope made me sick, physically, emotionally and mentally. they consumed my being.. created an environment, that i could not live with her in. they broke every threshold and realm of my patience, sanity and whatever else. i snapped. i don't loose control very often. i don't like it when i do. i become this monster.. who isn't me. i disgust myself. with that said, i was supposed to go to my Aunt Helen's funeral today, i didn't, Michael couldn't wake me up. he put forth quite the valiant effort i am told. i was dead to the world. i missed it. i was heart broken. then Nikki came over, everything was fine. until we got talking about the guild on Neopets.com of all freggin things. this created a massive argument. then Sarah decided to hide in her room screaming at nothing.. but seemingly screaming at someone.. we listened for upwards of 20 mins before jackie finally went in and asked her who she was talking to. so, yeah .. that didn't go over well.. and she then started flipping on jackie too.. and it went on from there.. from about 6pm till 9:15 pm was when we got her into the car with her shit packed on the way back to CT.. enough was enough! and good riddance to bad people. stuck her in the back seat with the child safety locks on.. like the child she is.. She went to say something to Jackie but realized the child safety locks were up so gave a glaring stare of death instead. Don't think for a second that any of this was overkill.. she did try to get out. and if you could hear her scream... it is like a demented banshie thing.. its horrible.. quite possibly the worst sound i have ever heard in my entire life. so, as if the screaming demon child wasn't enough, they left for CT, Nikki called, and i had to listen to her for a few hours say horrible things to me like, "can you physically have a child? is that why you take people into your home so much?" and that i treat Mike like shit and things of that nature.. and basically everything i have ever done wrong in my life over the years, and then even go as far as to bring up something from a past very painful relationship that i had since pushed out of my mind. but.. apparently since she is so miserable i have to be too.. her life isn't perfect so she has to psycho analyze mine.. and demean me to her level or misery. and this is coming from someone who i consider to be my sister. she broke my heart. and i mean broke it. getting hit in the head with a brick would have paled in comparison.. so yeah.. welcome to my day.. fuck. Jackie's account of the day...

Sooooooooooooooooooo

Yeah.. so today was an interesting day.. Jackie had much to say too... i stayed up all night again.. which i know you wouldn't know about last night since i am a total slacker and didn't write last night oopsie... but.. yeah.. ummm.. John and i were up searching for the Wizard.. and we couldn't find him and it didn't help that John was convinced that the wizard was blue, it wasn't, the wizard was red.. really.. it's red. yeah.. so the wizard is red. so then we spend alllllll damn night looking and freggin Mike gets up at like 7:30 for school and we were whining like little school girls about it and he takes the "Where's Waldo" book from us and looks for like .002 of a second and goes, "the wizard is right here" soooo we decided we might have to kill Michael. or we really needed sleep. yeah.. that thing that i never do.. wait i got corrected.. John would like me to say "we" because i have a fellow insomniac. wOOt!!!!! we can spend every night looking for the wizard and slowly drift off into insanity because we will never find him. shit, i am sooooooooooooo off topic. the topic is Sarah, or as Jax has so aptly named "satan" last night we had a bit-o-fun screwing with her.. which as ya'll know.. this is a favorite past time among us friends screwing with each other.. well.. with her.. we take it to an utter extreme.. i think maybe because it is just tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo easy. "she pours the concrete we lay the bricks" (btw a direct quote from her own boyfriend, and i use this term very lightly) Jax and i were in the living room on separate couches, on our laptops on AIM commenting back and fourth about her, as she was in the same room, it was quite possibly one of the more amusing things i have witnessed. Jax was calling her ET and i was commenting on how her hair looked like something out of a moldy garbage disposal.. ok maybe not that bad but that is rather amusing in and of it's self. she was playing with clay, and she made what appeared to be a penis. possibly because she secretly wishes she had one, i mean wearing men's clothes and the 14 year old boy hair cut she is sporting and the fact that i am pretty sure she never showers... i mean omg ewww... like when did Joe move back in? So then Satan dropped her cigarette and left her lighter on the edge of the table and walked away, Jax jumped right down her throat hurling insults at her with a vengeance, telling her she needed to pick up her cigarette, needless to say she did not do this. When satan walked away, Jax grabbed her lighter and stuck it in her pocket. I made a valiant effort to not laugh as satan threw a hissy fit from the depths of hell looking for it to no avail. Finally she gave up and lit it off my stove, to which i screamed at her for. Dan suggested we give her a lecture in not smoking during all this to add insult to injury that was quite amusing. Well then she went into the bathroom to smoke her cigarette and Jax put hers back, she is so utterly oblivious that she didn't even notice it. now that takes super special talent and stupidity. it was amazing. then she sat in Mocha's chair and "read" (and i put it in quotes because she really can't read) a book which was her actually flipping through the pages of a book, at a rather fast pace. a few mins later i get an IM from Michael "she is flipping through that book at like 500 miles a min" so i forward it to Jax and she goes "maybe she likes the pictures" then he goes "i really want to throw Don Johnson down the hallway at her" needless to say.. you get the idea this went on for hours, we really don't like her. and the hatred has been brewing for a long while now.

Well now that you have the recap of last night, which was a heck of a lot more long winded than i had intended it to be... i am going to tell you about today, you can read about this morning on Jax blog, but i was mostly asleep for this, i left for work and got cursed out for making the pork chops a day early (one would think this is not a big deal to Janice.. well it is) so i was already in a horrible mood.. so John was on the phone with me while i was filling out housing papers for him, and i heard satan and her attitude in the background, and thats when i requested he put her on the phone. i not so kindly informed her that she needed to cut the attitude it was draining me of my sanity. then i got back on the phone with John and continued with the paper work. towards the end of it i asked him if she was mad at what i said. he told me that she thinks i hate her. i said i did. so i decided to tell her how i felt and got her back on the phone. and said "so i hear you think i hate you?" she goes "yeah you never talk to me any more" to which i responded with "well.. when you first got here i thought you were pretty cool and i could get along with you, you were willing to help out around the house, you were friendly, then you took a turn for the worse, you don't get off your fat ass for anything. when John asks you to do anything you tell him to leave you alone and scream at him. i work every day to put food in your fat face and a roof over your fat head. you have a place to sleep because of me and i didn't know you from a whore on the street but took you in because you are with a close friend of mine. who by the way you treat like shit. i am so fucking sick of getting phone calls from Jackie ten times a day telling me she feels bad for John because you have him close to tears screaming at him. you destroy the vibe in my house i never want to come home any more. and further more the little stunt you pulled the other day pretending you were passing out in the car on the way home was total shit, you can't even fake rolling your eyes back in your head well, you are in a house of medically trained individuals, and it made me sick that you would take a real medical condition and trivialize it for attention. you disgust me. take a fucking shower you smell like shit you look like shit your hair is disgusting get off your fat welfare living ass and do something or get the fuck out of my house i will not stand for this shit any longer. i am sick of looking at your ugly face." i went on and on and on.. and it only got worse from there.. i let her know just how much i hated her. i have never met someone who made me so ill and instilled such a distain for humanity in me. i only hope that my "talk" got through to her. which would be doubtful, people like her.. they don't change. they stay stuck in their shit and act like fucking assholes for the rest of their lives. *sigh* at lest i got it off my chest and i said it to her face.

Me and My Two Best Friends :)

My bestest best friend is here.. and John took such a cute picture of me and Jax I had to share it :)

So.. as I am about to say this I can't even believe it myself, Janice popped into work tonight, and did not say one bad thing about or to me at all in-fact she was incredibly friendly and gave k a shower for me so I had one less to do. so I guess it has been a good night so far.. I have a bit of a headache.. I keep forgetting to take my Topamax.. which really isn't good.. then I get migraines.. you would think I would remember it.. it's only twice a day.. 2am and 2pm.. how hard is that? gurr.. oh well.. J is standing in the hallway singing to me that he likes me over and over to the tune of “I will be right her waiting for you” (it's on his radio) he has his little guitar its so cute. I got a few pix messages from mike apparently they brought the old love-seat in and set up the livening room differently.. its umm.. interesting.. lol.. I am calling my father because i want the couch that matches..

Bored with photoshop..

Revelations.. or something like it..

Here I am.. I had a shitter of a day yesterday.. and expected one today.. but I got to work, and no janice, the place was clean and I got right to cooking.. it's odd.. step away from my world and into another.. and things that once were disappear.. I'm sure as soon as I leave here it will come rushing back.. but for now.. this moment.. with the people I care for I feel fine. and in life it's these silly little unexpected moments we must cling to.. for they are the special ones, where life slows down for a minuet and nothing can touch you. as they are few and far between. I threw a little Dave Matthew's Band on and I'm sitting there watching them eat dinner, in some ways I am jealous of how they have it. they don't have to worry, their food is made, their home is kept their bills are paid. .they just get to relax and enjoy. they don't even need to bath or get dressed.. that too is done for them. then again it probably makes life seem menial.. but do they really know the difference? are they even capable of comprehending what they miss out on, on a daily basis? or are they super aware of other things.. do they feel music instead of just hearing it? do they see colors and shapes in a different way? I would love to see through their eyes if only for a second, I think the world must be beautiful for them, they are never really unhappy.. and always so loving, and so damn appreciative. eh.. I'm just babbling.. but these are the things that go through my head when I sit here and watch them interact. humm... well.. on to my reality waiting for me.. today I had a talk with John because Sarah outright refused to do the dishes.. which to me is rather disrespectful, especially since she complained to me not three days ago about how John refused to get up and do anything. I questioned Michael about this as he spends more time with them then I. but it would seem according to Michael that they fight on a daily basis about her not doing anything and that John is really frustrated with her. I am much more inclined to believe Michael as I really don't know Sarah and as of yet have not heard one good thing about her. I seemingly have this ability to see the good in everyone.. and well.. with her I am still looking.. and that's very strange for me to be still looking.. I find these things right off the bat. but maybe just maybe there is no good to be found. I don't want to believe that.. but.. I suppose I have to think outside the box..


I have been thinking a little about other things... today was laundry day and I had nothing to wear except for my old clothes.. my hippy/ art major stuff.. I was sitting here wondering why did I stop doing that? I attribute it to maturity.. but then I got thinking is striving to be something you aren't really the most mature option? we spend our lives trying to be this upstanding citizen, who does everything right.. who thinks a certain way.. and goes along with the masses.. I see to many people give up their individuality as they got older because its what they thought was right. I think I am one of those people. I still think a certain way.. I just don't feel like I am free to express in a certain way.. being back at the art studios yesterday hanging with Mark it reminded me of who I was. How happy I was then covered in clay and pastel dust. not a care in the world except for what was I going to make next? we would just go for a nice drive in the country take a few hits off the blue glass bowl and head to the studios for hours on end.. free as birds with only our emotions to express though the things we lovingly created. we had such a sense of peace, we didn't care what anyone thought.. we dressed as we wanted.. we loved who we wanted and we never stopped to ask for directions or question if what we were doing is right.. we just kept on going.. and it worked for us.. we threw parties and worked on community art pieces, we goofed around and did things no one else would do. the stories we could tell.. and do tell.. as if we are 60 year old's reliving our good years.. why did they come to an end? why did I suddenly decide to let go of that? no one told me I had to.. there are all these judgmental people out there.. including someone I love dearly.. who think that pot the evil “gateway” drug or whatever.. is the worst thing out there.. and one should NEVER EVER touch it.. which is a crock of shit.. that's the sheep being lead by the propaganda machine again.. (*giggle* at least he likes the sheep) and I should make note to the fact that I am not nearly as bitter about this as I sound... *sigh* last night after at least four years of not smoking I took a hit of a joint.. ONE hit... and that old familiar taste, smell and feeling came back.. and I remembered when things were free and good.. when things were when I was truly happy.. truly myself.. truly expressive.. not held back from societal norms... not that I am going back to that as much as I want to.. I wish for just one moment in time.. things could be the way they were.. that I could think the way I thought.. that I could want the things I wanted then and dream about the things I dreamt about.. that I could live my life the way I wanted to .. but that.. that is a pipe dream.. (yes, pun intended) I long for the smell of Acrylic paint in my hallway and the giggles of the girls as they drew yet another abstract piece on the hallway wall.. I miss the all nighters.. and being up all night because there was no way we could sleep! Cocaine will do that to you. even that doesn't seem so bad... though I know it is.. I miss eating mushrooms at Frenchie's farm out in Honesdale.. and running through the fields for hours.. tasting colors.. feeling the air... talking about the most ridiculous stuff.. (god I miss you frenchie.. I hope god is holding you in his arms.. you never let go of the dream.. ) I miss Tom building a fort out of his paintings and refusing to come out.. because he was in Andy's room too long.. hehe.. we all know Andy's room.. Missy and I spent hours there.. and god Missy.. I miss you.. you let go of the dream too.. no more Blondie at the Keroke bar.. I miss the 7 foot meat sculptures, the snow angels at 5 am in the glistening night air.. I miss driving to no where.. not caring how lost we were.. just drinking in the sunshine.. appreciating the world and life as we knew it... our music at top volume singing our hearts out... laughing with the wind in our hair.. all of you can sit there on your high horses and judge me with out ever knowing.. but know this.. I know a world you will never know.. I know a peace you will never find.. I have learned more about life than you can ever even fathom knowing.. not until you give this life a try.. or you can continue to live your life of judgement and egotism.. I don't care.. I know I am better for all I have done.. I know I am better for all the people I have met.. helped.. loved and gotten to know.. everyone that had touched my life in some way I will never forget.. and they have helped mold the person I am today.. whoever that is..

I meet the most multidimensional people.. I never judge.. I wait to get to know you.. I have never cared for the looks of a person.. for the money a person has.. for the way they live their lives.. people are all inherently good to me.. and meeting someone new is like opening a present for the first time.. either its something you really wanted or you are let down and disappointed with the gift they leave you with.. I have met people I will never for get that just disappeared from my life.. but that's who they were and I expected it.. like that guy that drove me out to the Nicholeson Bridge one day and we marveled at the architecture and work that had gone into it.. and stoned as we were I got a wonderful history lesson that day on the area I lived in.. he remained in my english class that semester.. we shared poetry, short stories, art work, music and spent hours out in the woods walking around.. talking about nothing really.. and then just like that he disappeared... I remember when I was out in Main at a work camp helping build houses for the less fortunate.. (i use that term lightly.. in some ways they are more fortunate, where they lack worldly possessions and the devils money they are rich with love and understanding.. and humbled something this world lacks) anyways.. I met this guy.. I ignored most of the people I went there with and just sat with him all night every night after the work.. next to the bonfire.. sining with him.. we shared our hearts in song.. and i'll never forget him either.. but just like that he was gone from my life.. and this guy Tony.. I remember he lives on Pelham Pkwy in NY.. hehe.. he was something else.. we talked for hours.. about nothing... up at life tech.. getting into all sorts of trouble.. and there was Andy.. umm... Andy Fisher.. that was his name.. I met him at Johnny Seasaws.. and for one magical moment when I was 13 we sat outside on the swings watching the snow fall holding hands.. and we shared that way.. didn't talk much.. but him too.. all these people are gone from my life.. and I don't know why.. but I will never forget any of them.. its odd how you just think of this stuff.. so random.. I just love people I think.. I love getting to know them.. just on my terms.. and at some-point.. we all move on.. its life.. like I was telling Uncle Ace last night.. loss is part of life.. as is death.. you can't have life with out either of these things.. and until you learn to deal with both of them.. you aren't really living.. your just waiting..

What a fucking day..

I decided to go up to Montrose and visit the farm and my family today, and i am really glad I did because I think it might be the last time I see Uncle Ace. My family has this innate ability to know when they are going to die.. its a little unsettling. I first went there and Aunt Anne wasn't there so I talked to uncle ace for a little bit he was disoriented and tried to call Aunt Anne but didn't realize he was calling the number of the house he was at. I convinced him to tun on his oxygen again and go back to sleep and told him we would come back again. we then went to Uncle Donnie's house and talked to him for a while and of course he tried to give us money which I didn't let him do. after we went and got some food at Don Lockeheart's and then went back to Ace and Anne's. Ace was sitting at the kitchen table and my Aunt Lois (their daughter) was there. Uncle ace talked to me for a while, John and Sarah talked to Lois because she knows BPT pretty well from teaching at UB. Ace then decided he couldn't stay awake any more so I walked him to bed and as I helped him lay down he started crying. Telling me that age was getting to him and he wasn't going to be around much longer. I told him not to talk like that and that he would live a long time, and he pleaded with me to help him that he couldn't breath and he was in pain and what could he do. So I sat with him and held his hand and rubbed his back. I told him that I would come up and see him next saturday, it's my weekend off he told me he wouldn't be here then. I told him not to be afraid if that was the case, that getting old is a part of life and that God loved him because he was a good person his whole life and he continues to be. I must have told him a hundred times I loved him, and it was like getting a second chance that I never had with grandma and grandpa to actually say goodbye. I just pray he is wrong, and I don't pray, but because he believes so much I prayed for him. Watching him cry like that in be in so much pain tore my heart out I love him so much. Part of me thought maybe I should stay the night and hold his hand.. but I know I couldn't do that, driving the hour and a half every day.. I would be dead on my feet. So yeah.. My Aunt Helen's funeral is on saturday so I will be heading back up there for that. I decided I needed something to cheer me up after all this so I stopped at the art studio and hung out with Mark for a while, he is starting a new series of work, instead of fish scenes on pots she is doing reliefs of Salmon during the various stages of life. its the creepiest thing I have ever seen.. and I hate fish as you well know. Soooo speaking of fish... yeah.. we had a pregnant chinchilid, and tonight it died, (how fitting) and they are live barers welll apparently Sarah could see the babies moving inside the fish still.. so I woke mike up and he cut the fish open only to find the babies had died.. so yeah.. today and tonight sucked.

Thank you Lynn...

Lynn sucks ass.. she posted these on Face-book today...


she wrote on this one "my room mate came back to visit me" yeah.. she's defiantly who i came back for *rolls eyes* not!


this one is just unfair.. i look insane.. yeah varsity softball.. *vomits* me and becky love are the only two not wearing a uniform and i had a uniform and a varsity jacket.. wow i suck

Ani Difranco "Fuel"

They were digging a new foundation in Manhattan
And they discovered a slave cemetery there
May their souls rest easy now that lynching is frowned upon
And we've moved on to the electric chair
And I wonder who's gonna be president
Tweedle Dumb or Tweedle Dumber?
And who's gonna have the big
Blockbuster box office
This summer
How 'bout we put up a wall
Between the houses and the highway
And then you can go your way
And I can go my way
Except all the radios agree with all the TV's
And all the magazines agree with all the radios
And I keep hearing that same damn song
Everywhere I go
Maybe I should put a bucket over my head
And a marshmallow in each ear
And stumble around for another dumb numb week
For another hum drum hit song to appear
People used to make records
As in a record of an event
The event of people
Playing music in a room
Now everything is cross-marketing
It's about sunglasses and shoes
Or guns or drugs
You choose
We got it rehashed
We got it half-assed
We're digging up all the graves
And we're spitting on the past
And we can choose between the colors
Of the lipstick on the whores
Cuz we know the difference
Between the font of twenty percent more
And the font of teriyaki
You tell me
How does that make you feel?
You tell me what's real
They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
Even when they're dry as my lips for years
Even when they're stranded on a small desert island
With no place in two thousand miles to buy beer
And I wonder is he different
Is he different
Has he changed
What he's about
Or is he just a liar
With nothing to lie about
Am I headed for the same brick wall
Is there anything I can do
About anything at all
Except go back to that corner in Manhattan
And dig deeper
Dig deeper this time
Down beneath the impossible pain of our history
Beneath unknown bones
Beneath the bedrock of the mystery
Beneath the sewage system and the path train
Beneath the cobblestones and the water main
Beneath the traffic of friendships and street deals
Beneath the screeching of kamikaze cab wheels
Beneath everything I can think of to think about
Beneath it all
Beneath all get out
Beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel
Ther'es a fire that's just waiting for fuel

It's all about the gummy frogs..

Well I have learned one thing today Christa is willing to trade eternal love for Harboro Gummy Frogs *giggle* she really wanted them, I have had them sitting in my house for the longest time, and I keep forgetting.. oops.. well mike brought them down along with my I-pod and the connector cause the TV at work is out again.. and umm.. well there is no place to hook it up.. so I am stuck listening to BHT which is all umm special like. but whatever I suppose its better than silence. on the way to work I was saying please don't let janice be there.. and of course, low and behold there she was gurrr.. she was in better spirits thankfully, though we got blamed for the snow outside the house (everyone else's arms are broken seems like a coincidence must have been a bad week for arm breaking) tomorrow they are doing CLA inspections so we have to work our asses off and make the place perfect, of course, so far all I have done is made dinner and the cinnamon swirl bread and its 6:45pm should probably get my butt in gear, but eh I don't care enough. as far as the bread that's kind of amusing, HR requested we have home baked snacks for the inspectors, like what? as if we don't have enough shit to do we need to suck up to state officials? janice is going to tie it up in ribbons and what not... paranoia much? well thank god for coffee.. I am pretty sure that john and sarah haven't done a thing today the were barely awake when I left. john should really try only taking a half of a colonizpam before bed maybe he could function on a human level. tomorrow my well needed day off I have to do some things, I plan on sleeping most of the day because I really need the rest, but I have to take them to Section 8 again.. hopefully that will go well.. and I need to get one of those dry erase calendars again.. I am getting too forgetful. and missing things that are important. and I found out that apparently my Dr. won't refill my painkiller if I don't go see him, so maybe i'll be heading up to Lake Winola.. which I REALLY don't want to do, it was 45 mins from Scranton! which means I will have to drive like 1.15 but that's life. and I know dan will feel better so who knows. oh and I forgot to mention, when I arrived at work a woman caught up to me, think she was waking down the road, saw my front plate on my car (german flag) and asked if I was from Germany, I told her all about it turns out she is from the outskirts of france, but we talked a little bit, I happened to have some Milka in the car and gave her a bar hehe.. made her pretty happy, and I think she was happy to have someone to talk to. I took her number maybe i'll hang with her sometime. Janice was giving me the dirty look cause I was talking to her but I don't care. she still had her accent shoulda seen my eyes light up lol. think that's why I like this area so much, it's so diverse. well I feel badly, Christa is sweeping the floors and I am sitting here doing this.. lol.. gotta get some work done...

okay so seeing as how there is an inspector coming tomorrow.. I scrubbed all the toilets, sinks, and the floors in both bathrooms, kitchen and laundry room. I dusted and polished everyones bedroom sets, the cabinets in the kitchen, entertainment center, end tables, office desk and coffee table and kitchen set. I cleaned the inside and outside of the fridge and oven/stove and the dishwasher, vacuumed the floors in all rooms and cleaned the windows.. its 8:53 and I feel like collapsing, still have to give showers and do PM care, and pass meds.. gurrr... this night needs to end! Christa is convinced Janice will be mad that we did all that, and say that we shouldn't have because the night shift would have done it, yeah okay.. sure thing.. golden child is on again tonight, I highly doubt it will get done. so I just did it. you would think she would say thank you. but its doubtful. I don't want to get blamed for anything so now she can't say a word.. and I documented it ALL in the shift exchange. so it will be known who did it all. best way to beat the system is to go against it. ha! fuck her if she wants to give me shit about it.

The golden child ended up showing up late. heh.. go figure.. I was reminded she can do whatever she wants.. point taken.. rar.. then I finally went home and realized I had no cigarettes left, soooo grabbed Sarah and headed to dunmore.. and I got carded.. I am pretty sure I don't look 17 but thanks anyways.. so I being my chatty cathy self proceeded to tell the guy at the counter of Jackie's misadventures with the cop.. he was convinced that the cop was just hitting on her because apparently his brother who is a cop picked his wife up that way.. what a story for the kids.. though if that was the case.. that cop was soooo barking up the wrong tree!