So we had a fun time.. but jimmy was the funniest part.. i got to his house.. and he was sitting out there with a screwdriver (vodka and oj.. not the tool) in a Turkey Hill Lemonade bottle.. (geepers.. he could have at least put it in an oj container!!!) so he was "drunker than a catfish" as he says... like woah! so i offer to help him bring his stuff back inside.. and he starts telling me how he is at war with the pigeons??? (ok so at this point i look where he is pointing.. uh.. there aren't any pigeons...) so i ask.. why are you at war with them? he goes.. "well they sit up there and shit on me all day!" (i still don't see any pigeons...) so we get in the car and go to the fair.. the whole time he was telling us stories... good ones too.. as soon as we get to the fair we go see my aunt jill.. get our tickets and go in... well Jimmy starts asking about apple dumplings and do they have to come with ice cream? umm no? so after that we wonder around.. and he decides to try to go in the moon bounce (the one for children!!) they usher him away... mike and i walk really quickly in the other direction. he catches up with us.. we took some pictures and head to the cows and what not.. then we found the truck pull.. we got dinner and sat there and watched it.. then they announced they were going to do the raffle drawing.. so i said i would go over.. jimmy came with me.. mike stayed at the truck pull.. well as it turns out this opening ceremony they were doing the drawing at was 1 and 1/2 hours long.. ugg.. and jimmy was getting antsy at this point.. he started saying things really really loudly! so the poor queen of the fair is giving a speech about why people go to fairs.. here's jimmy.. he goes... "it ain't for the beer!! there isn't any!" i was like jimmy shhhhh!! lol.. he had a few more things to say too.. oy.. then.. they start the raffle.. well we didn't win on the $25 or $50 they get to the $100... they call the number it isn't ours... jimmy stands up.. to leave... (oops) and they go "looks like we have a winner!!" i was pulling him down saying sit jimmy!! seriously!! well he finally does after some fighting.. and they go.. is he a winner? i was like no.. he's just stupid.. lol.. omg.. then we leave.. and go to the car to get my sweater.. the sun has gone down at this point.. it was freezing!! well my phone was dead.. so i plugged it in for a min in the car.. jimmy sits in the back.. i THOUGHT he was smoking his cigarette.. but he wasn't i suddenly smell weed.. omg... i go are you smoking a bowl? he goes "yeah why you want a hit?" i was like noooooo!!!! so here he is drunk and high.. wow. we walked around for a little while after that.. on the way home we stop to visit grandma and grandpa's graves.. to weed around them and say a few words.. well jimmy wouldn't stop talking.. but he was telling a story about my grandpa. then we get back to Clarks Summit.. i say.. hey jimmy did you tell mike about the pigeons? he goes noo, and tells him the story.. then says "oh did i tell you i have a slingshot?" so mike and i bust out laughing.. picturing him with two sticks and a pair of underwear trying to shoot pigeons off the electric line.. wow.. so.. it was a fun day to say the least!
today i am supposed to go to the fair... we are picking up the drunk guy.. who is always funny.. i haven't seen my "Sharkey" in a long time. who just had to fuck with me on the phone a second ago. he's at work but leaving early to go with us. said he was happy i called when i did.. kept him from having to load the tent into the truck.. it looked like a bunch of crazy monkeys at the circus... oy... weird-o's .... so we will see how this goes.. i am going to take my camera.. i hope to get lots of pictures this year.. i never do any other year... the Wyoming County Fair is a big well to do out here. and one of these years i will actually remember to submit some artwork to the art part... oops... i guess even in my clouded sleepless state i am a small glimmer of excited to go.. its one of my favorite things in this world... maybe its what i need? family, good country family... some of Overfield's Apple Dumplings (LOL) and friends.. and fun... we will see... i am just happy "Clarkey" is going.. ok i should explain.. his name is Jimmy Clark aka ... 1. "The drunk guy" (thats at party's "who's the drunk guy?") 2. "Sharkey" (while he is at work no fucking clue) 3. "Clarkey" (the bar the own lee place calls him that) 4. "Jimmy" thats what i call him.. cause thats this damn name!! lol.. but sometimes i change it up. he is an aged hippy... who got drafted... he's in pitiful shape and it is my life long project to get him to go to AA with me.. he is one person who i feel could benefit from it. (yes i know i slandered the hell out of AA in an earlier entry) but.. i dunno.. he is religious... and he needs to stop drinking!! he is amazing though.. he is the most functional alcoholic i have ever met! he goes to work drives his car.. does everything normal... and completely uninhibited.. its actually kind of impressive. and the cops in CS seem to leave him alone.. they know he isn't causing trouble. it seems like they dont mess with you if you don't give them good reason.. well anyways.. jimmy and his beaver chewed walking stick (hahah inside joke) are going with us... should be fun. more on it later.. with pictures :)
i am starting to think that i am a little disillusioned.. my reality is slowly slipping away.. my awake world is starting too look more like my asleep world.. i am beginning to become fearful... when will this end? can i get no peace? i just want to lay next to love... then maybe ill feel whole.. the emptiness eats me alive. think they may be coming for me soon.
maybe its just that i need sleep.. maybe its that i am insane. i do have it good.. things just aren't good.. its amazing that with out your emotional needs being met.. nothing else can fall into place. but i got to talk to my dear friend. so i feel all right for now. still a little down.. but the worst part has passed for today.. one day at a time.. or maybe for me.. its a minuet at a time. thank god for friends. thank god for dave.
I just want to drive.. drive far.. and fast.. without direction.. without purpose.. with out care.. i want to see where i end up.. i'm not sure if anything is right anymore.. or maybe i'm just not sure of anything.. god.. i feel so trapped.. trapped in my physical mental and emotional agony.. i'm sliding off the edge again.... slipping through the crack... where are you erin? you get that.. *sigh* that was a lifetime ago. everything is a life time ago! i feel like i could just burst. sometimes i wish i would.. would be a funny way to go... wtf happened here? we don't know.. looks like she exploded?? ha! how like me would that be? just wish i had a place.. a place that is all good.. no such place exists.. god i need a job.. i need to do something.. i need to get out of this!!!! i am wallowing.. i hate wallowing.. damn my dad for being right! aragh! why is the world so damn cruel???? how can a guy like tim be aloud to have his son? and i who took excellent care of him.. and loved him to no end... cant? that asshole will starve him and beat him.. god i hate him. of course.. i cant tell him that. im loosing it.. i really am.. i'm cracking.. help someone.
the great dilemma! not really sure any of us know the answer to that.. recently i was faced with some hard choices.. my answers to them.. leave me thinking well is that really something i would do?? not really sure.. what difference does it make what i do anyways? no ones watching.. *sigh* i think i might be spiraling into depression and taking a few people with me.. or they are taking me with them.. what has this place come to? this life? were you cant even trust your own family? its like one big joke.. we all get together and pretend to like each other. why? for what purpose? we dont have to. but we feel obligated to. i wish i could just slip away.. somehow.. just start over.. make better choices... do something worthwhile. stop blaming myself for things i cannot change. for things i had nothing to do with. i have all ways been good at drawing a nonexistent parallel line between myself and the bad that happens to people. and all i want is for good to come to those i care about. but my mom says.. Karin you can't save the world! well why not?!? im determined enough.. everyone is so negative.. how about some positive for a change? fuck who am i kidding.. the world is a negative place. if everyone wanted to make a difference.. there would be a huge change.. but no one cares.. no one can see past the tip of their noses. where did humanity go wrong?
soo somehow.. some way... i got back on this Xanadu kick.. wow. When i was little that movie was the greatest thing i had ever seen i drove my poor family nuts with it!!! thought it was the most magical thing ever. probably because i was little, i had an active imagination.. and hell its an 80's movie.. everything about the 80's is magical.. even horror movies.. which i looooveeee.. i don't like any movies made after the 80's except for a select few. so now i have downloaded every single Olivia Newton John song i could possibly find. god i feel pathetic. lol.. and there i am in the city today rocking out to Magic.. and all the gang bangers were giving me looks.. hahahah.. i musta looked like a dork. but thats ok.. they look like dorks too!
Lately its the little things that count so much. its the friends we meet.. its the words of hope i hear.. its the comfort knowing i am not alone.. that give me strength to preserver.. to continue on.. in the darkness that i find myself wading through.. trying desperately to make sense of.. to come to terms with my life.. and things i have to accept.. i deal that i can not save the child that i love dearly. that i have no more to do with his life. i have to step back somehow. somehow let what is going to happen, happen.. even though i know it will ruin his innocence.. even though i know that everything i fought to protect him from will be for nothing. all i want in this life is to hold him in my arms once again and tell him its going to be ok.. and actually mean it.. and know i am telling him the truth.. that it will be ok.. that he can be happy. i want him to know how much i love him. there is no love like a mothers love.. it knows no bounds. it is endless.. as far as the night is long. to the world i am not his mother.. to me and timmy i am. he told me so. no matter what happens no matter where he is.. i will all ways be his mother. in my heart he will all ways be my son. he will all ways have a place in my heart. in my home and in my life. i don't care what anyone else things or says. i shed tears for him when i found out he wasn't coming home.. mike.. apparently didn't want to comfort me.. all i got was this is what you wanted isn't it? no. i wanted timmy to come home. its like everyone is stone around me.. and then my friend came back to me.. my friend who understands.. who gets me.. and thank god. i have peace. he listened. he held me with his words.. maybe now i can heal. maybe now things can come together and reality will stop assaulting me with its harshness. people.. if you have someone in you life like this.. hold tight.. never let them. go. if even in your darkness.. they can give you light.. they are worth keeping. never take them for granted.
Sooo.. as i learn and cope and deal with things that are thrown at me.. another things brings me down.. my name appeared in the paper b.c there is a retarded cop that has no idea how to protect annominity. you would think he would have some sense on how to protect a victim family. apparently not. just wow. so after that blew over.. things are quiet.. and that scares me. they say no news is good news... but i am not so sure. we are supposed to go to CT next weekend.. hopefully i can. i am just really happy i have people to fall back on.. that are there for me.
Sometimes people can't see past the tip of there nose, sure Susquehanna County is a poor run down looking county but it is rich with love, rich with families who have been there for generations, getting by on the crops they grow. No other county i have ever been to can compare to Susquehanna here the people know what a hard days work is and still know what respect is. Something city people have long forgotten. Where they know you at every food store, every diner, restaurant, bar and barber shop, and yes they still have corner barber shops. Its like taking a step back in time. Its a breath of fresh air for me at least. a place to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. This place were god still walks freely among his people. It is all going to go away very soon. No one is seeing this coming though i see it like a wild possessed freight train smashing into the county. The oil river running under Susquehanna county carries with it a curse, the curse of industry, soon the whole county will have leased out some part of their land... will have huge oil rigs... on their farms.. pollution will start.. their crops will start dying.. but they wont care.. they will be making money off the oil they are selling.. the people that were once respectful church going country folk will grow to have that city money hungry mentality... they will loose site of where they came from.. forget their history.. turn into demons of greed. and when the oil river has dried up.. they will be left with nothing.. their crops will be dead and gone.. and we will have another Flint Michigan on our hands. so i say farewell to you susquehanna county. you were a beautiful place.
Given all that is going on i have an erie calm. nothing is bothering me. its like somehow i have found a way to move on and preserver.. i got the strength to rise up above all this. maybe i have given up. but im not sure. i keep pushing through.. the depression has lifted. i have learned to find happiness in small things. to laugh when my dog does something cute, to smile no matter how i am feeling. somehow that is working. we have no money, i have no job, my family is broken apart, i lost my child to the devil but i have found a way to forgive. our minister told me i had to to find peace. he is right. when i decided to truly forgive him for what he did to me and my family, i could begin healing. it is a slow process but every day i feel better. i had it in my head that i was going to send him this letter saying that i hated him. i don't. i understand that he has a problem. he doesn't realize that what he did is wrong. his letter from the prison confirmed my suspicions that he has no concept of what he has done. he doesn't realize the tidle wave of destruction he caused. my life will go on. i will be okay. somehow. i will continue. no person will bring me down again. i am stronger and wiser for this. i have learned. and instead of calming up and shutting down i am not going to let him win. i will come out on top. i am strong. i have friends and good ones that sick with me. its funny how when you need them most friends who have been out of your life have a way of appearing again. one in particular i am very grateful for. he showed up at just the right time on facebook. he knows who he is. just when i was loosing faith in humanity. when i though everyone was corrupt he came back into my life. and thank god. and i do.
I want to share this with everyone.. if there is anyone.... me the one who wrote about catholics.. oy.. i am going to share a religiouse thing with you. if you havent hear this song download it. please.
Amazing Grace (Jars of Clay)
I grew this heart into a drifter
I never felt the roots I bare
I sold my sight, oh brother, sister
For a mountain of fool's gold, it's gone
Only God knows, God knows where
My soul was restless for redemption
My feet were lookin' for a place to stand
Well I ain't got no life
And you know I ain't got no money
Just the faith of an empty hand
Amazing Grace I feel you coming up slowly now
Like the sun is risin', heat on my face
Oh love that keeps on shinin', don't let the shadow come
Ya know I gotta feel you healin' rays
I hitched a ride, I was a beggar
I had Murder on my hands
I needed water to rinse theses stains
But only blood could remove what's spillin'
And pardon me the blame
Amazing Grace I feel you coming up slowly now
Like the sun is risin', heat on my face
Oh love that keeps on shinin', don't let the shadow come
Ya know I gotta feel your healin' rays
take what you want from this.. it has a good message.
What is left behind that makes us memorable? is it the friends we make? the lives we touch? the good we do? i suppose it is. Its all about how you live your life. we shouldn't be so concerned that there is a god watching us and judging us. we should be more concerned with what did we leave. will we be a drop in the water or a ripple that continues on forever. that affects all we touch. the legacy will continue. if we are good to one another. if we love unconditionally. if we are at peace with ourselves and our lives. we can have a ripple effect on those around us. much like jason. he touched many lives. he serves as a reminder that good people exist. people who make life worth living. and in his light we can live as he did. we can continue the legacy long after people have forgotten him.
The world lost a good person on monday. Frenchy.. for all of you who didn't get to know him. you missed out. to those who did.. you were the lucky few. And as life continues to revolve around us.. as the world continues to thrive. there will be a few people who stop and remember the life of a great man. who take the time to remember all that he did for us. who take the time to love and care for people as he did. Jason, you will be missed.
so i have no hot water currently.. we ran out of propane.. ick. i really really want to take a shower but cant. and michael some how expects me to light the pilot light.. is he insane? ill find a way to burn the house down. i am good at retarded stuff. i just want to have hot water so i can go to the store i would look like hairy swamp thing if i left now.. its disgusting. i keep getting the balls to go in and take a cold shower and mike keeps talking me out of it. rar. well.. i dunno.. not much else.
I am an ex-centric, artistic, empathetic and loving person. I try my best to help everyone out when I can. I am a pretty cal m person but I refuse to be walked all over. I think I can be interesting.. I hope you think so too...