"Clark is your house on fire?"

sooo what a week... for real what a week! haha i made my house all cozy and christmassy... haha snow will do that!
my bedroom with all the pretty lights :)

Updated Snow Video.. it's just getting worse!!!

this is from 3:18 today...

It's A Bing Crosby and Danny "Fucking" Kaye day!!!

I woke up at 7:30 am to a very loud bang, then the power going in and out.. then it started flickering violently.. and four mins later.. it went out. The dog was barking so i groggily started to stir and then heard fire-trucks, ambulances and police cars, so i look out the window and see them gathered around this car on the side of the road.. then it hits me... wow.. the ground is white.. its freggin snowing?!? WTF?? its 28 Octobre and its snowing!!! so i look a little more and i thought that it was the car that nocked the power out.. i was wrong.. he just went off the road. so now i become wildly exited and start shaking michael "hey! get up! you are never going to believe this..!!" he groans and acts anoyed until he gets up and looks out the window and goes "what the hell?!? " i quicky throw on my boots, hat, gloves and winter coat and i go frolicking out in the snow! :) :) it is just so beautiful out with the snow falling softly all around me. Mocha was very happy too prancing all over the place! the branches were creaking sounding like good ol' "widow-makers" as we call them here... the power came back on at 8:48 and then went out again at 9:14 until like 2:45 its been a cold day here with no heat. But Mocha and i stayed snuggled under the covers keeping each other warm.. and i spent the day laying there watching the snow fall.. :) :)

MORE SNOW!!! and lot's of it this time!

this is what i woke up to at 7:30 this morning.. and it hasn't let up at all..

Fuck.

yeah that about sums it up. Timmy isn't coming back apparently because "it isn't appropriate, and it isn't safe" WTF?? i give up.. really.. done. i have no more fight left. this emotional roller-coaster ends here.

Just Take A Step Back...

When you take the time.. the time to remember.. the time to be thankful.. the time to realize.. the time to take in the world around you and love it for what it is and stop trying to fix the things you can't change.. stop trying to save everyone... and for once focus on what you do have and what you already know to be good and true.. then and only then.. can you even begin to heal.. even begin to see things for the way they are.. "the forest for the trees" when you can finally let go.. you can finally be.

What a Day For A Day Dream....

"If you want to be free.. be free... because there's a million things to be" so well put.. things are going good.. getting back to being me.. feeling better.. living more... because i am back to living free.. back to being able to be me... and thank you god for that!

Favorite Jack Kerouac quotes..

"They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn..."
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Part 1, Ch. 1

"I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in my life, the strangest moment of all, when I didn't know who I was — I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I'd never seen, hearing the hiss of steam outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and footsteps upstairs, and all the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high ceiling and really didn't know who I was for about fifteen strange seconds."
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Part 1, Ch. 3

"Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk--eal straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious."
-Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Part 1, Ch. 10

"Isn't it true that you start your life a sweet child, believing in everything under your father's roof? Then comes the day of the Laodiceans, when you know you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked, and with the visage of a gruesome, grieving ghost you go shuddering through nightmare life."
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Part 1, Ch. 13

"Why think about that when all the golden land's ahead of you and all kinds of unforeseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive to see?"
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Part 2, Ch. 6

"I realized that I had died and been reborn numberless times but just didn't remember because the transitions from life to death and back are so ghostly easy, a magical action for naught, like falling asleep and waking up again a million times, the utter casualness and deep ignorance of it."
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Part 2, Ch. 10

"Holy flowers floating in the air, were all these tired faces in the dawn of Jazz America."
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Part 3, Ch. 4

"So in America when the sun goes down and I sit on the old broken-down river pier watching the long, long skies over New Jersey and sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge over to the West Coast, and all that road going, and all the people dreaming in the immensity of it... and tonight the stars'll be out, and don't you know that God is Pooh Bear?"
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Part 5

Just want to share a great literary work...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Thinking at 5:35 am on a Wednesday..

I was just looking through Andrew and Heather's pictures on facebook as they recently added me as a friend. Here i go again.. yes.. talking about the past again... somehow i messed things up.. somehow i went the wrong way.. i didn't go to St. Andrews in Scotland.. though i could have.. i don't have "flat mates" i don't have summers at the Yacht Club.. i don't have trips with friends on the boat for the weekend... although i have all this available to me. and have had it all available to me.. i just left it all behind for what i thought was a better way of life.. is it? is it really? or am i just as stuck up as the rest of them? i only thought of myself when i left.. am i just thinking of myself again? somehow my life seems darker.. drearier.. compared to the lavish lives they lead that i could lead.. but i shy away from it? why? maybe because i know its superficial.. that real life isn't roses and caviar... but it could be.. god.. where did i screw this up? where did i go so backwards? maybe i really should go home.. *sigh* i just don't know any more...

Something More Political

OMG IT IS SNOWING IN OCTOBER!!!!

it started snowing at 11:30 tonight..

don't believe me?? here look..

I can't think of one...

so i went outside... and i immediately smelt a fire.. a nice warm cozy fire.. this doesn't surprise me because it was 25 degrees last night. and 32 tonight.. so it is COLD! i am very happy about this though i love the winter. when i was younger i always associated the smell of fire to be "smells like pennsylvania" we never really smelt it in CT but when we came to see grandma and grandpa.. you always did. i started thinking about Vermont again.. and Johnny Seesaws..http://www.jseesaw.com/ if you want to look.. it is a very cozy restaurant we would all go to. best food i have ever eaten next to the Swiss Inn which is also there. http://www.swissinn.com/ which is another very cozy place. best german/swiss food i have had in a very long time. but as usual i digress... it reminded me of sitting at Johnny Seesaws next to that huge fireplace.. sipping hot-chocolate listening to the crackle of the fire and watching the snow falling softly outside. i remember when we used to ski up at Bromley Mt. (thats where the house was) i was obsessed with the one trail called "run around" it was a green circle trail.. which for me was silly because i am a good skier.. but thats not why i liked it.. the trail started at the top of the mountain. if you were to catch it on a good day when all the trees are iced over... and everything is sparkling and glinting in the sunlight... it's as if the world is made of crystal. i used to sit up there for a while .. just as the sun started going down... on my last run.. the sky would be a fiery read and the trees covered in ice would glow red..then i would treck back through the woods to the house. where we would have that warm dinner i spoke of earlier... some nights me and my father would sneak out and slead down the mountain... if i remember correctly one time on cardboard boxes lol.. we didn't remember the sleds. the mountain was closed and the snow cats would be out grooming the mountain. they would scare the hell out of me. but. it didn't matter we still had fun.... not sure why i am so reminiscent lately.. just seems to be happening lol.. and i am sharing it with you unfortunate people haha.

Resolved to Not Really Care...

In light of all this current B.S. i find my self questioning why do i really care? why does this bother me? i used to be a person who nothing would even phase me for a second! i realized i have been on edge a lot lately. a real lot. and it just isn't me. it's time for a change. this life i am leading.. is just.. not right.. i need to remember my roots. i am better than all these morons, normally i would laugh and pity them. and you know what? i do. i can offer the world. if you don't want the world don't take it! i don't care.. be content with your mediocre life. but you will never know the love i have. and that is fine. it's your problem not mine. i have fought a good fight.. and now i am done. i am done being angry, i am done being stressed, i am quite frankly done giving a fuck. i am going back to me.. i am getting my life back that is all i have to care about right now. it is my goal to once in my damn life be selfish instead of selfless.. don't like it? well i don't care! i have done things for everyone forever. its only brought me pain and now its time for me. i will rise above. i am strong i have concurred and preserved before.. even in the sight of adversity.. and i will do it again. so back the fuck off... i am done with it all! go find another hand out.. someone else to listen to your sob story.. someone else you can mooch off of.. it won't be me any more. i know it sounds harsh but you should hear some of the words that come out or your mouths.. you should realize what you say to me.. what you expect from me.. and why because i have shown you kindness in the past? you don't care.. you don't care one bit about what i do for you.. you don't realize the life i gave up for half of you. and you never even thanked me. i didn't have to do any of it. not one damn thing. but i was there for all of you when you needed me and when i needed you it was stfu.. soooo to you i say good bye.. leave me alone! i am sooo done.

Ok..

So apparently people want to play games. I really don't want to. I have no interest in this childish stuff.. they lie to a child's face.. they tell the poor chid we are doing this for your own good while taking away his freedoms. while taking away his privacy and the privacy of the people around him. if his friends wanted these sanctimonious fuck tards reading their myspace pages or blogs or twitters or what have you they would have added them as friends. Apparently they have serious boundary issues, and seriously it really disgusts me. who do they think they are? polly perfect? have they never done a thing wrong in their life that they feel the need to search through pages and pages of other peoples lives searching for some wrong another has done? do they realize what an utter disgrace this is? probably not. they probably have convince themselves they are justified.. yes david and trisha i mean you. you disgust me. your manipulation is utterly maniacal. pitting children against other adults is the most disgraceful thing i have ever in my entire life witnessed. you are of the lowest of life form. a bottom dweller. to mess with and confuse a child's emotions is just wrong. if you want to keep him that badly just tell him that... for Christ's sake just be honest with the boy. and be honest with us. we aren't fighting you on this. you don't have to go behind our backs and make a mockery of what we had. do the mature adult thing and grow some balls. i mean seriously. what are you 10? are we back in 6th grade? are we back to whispers and rumors in the classroom? grow up! and stop making us look like heathens. all we did was love him, we loved him before he lived in our home, we loved him as the neighbor kid we helped with his homework, (and not to nit-pick but we have love him for way more than two months!) yes we have made dire mistakes. non of which were intentional, and there is not a day that i do not regret them. the only important thing to me here is his happiness. if he is happier with you then so be it. and for real. this should be the only important thing to you. if he wants to be with us, give him that. has he not been through enough? goddamn-it! for once give the boy what he wants with out any bullshit! god you make me sick.


*on an added side note.. if you actually read this and are offended... well... hell you shouldn't be snooping in my shit.. so too bad.

Bail Out

*and here is where i roll my eyes*

To The Nosy People..

Hi there nosey person! what exactly are you looking for? some juicy piece of dirt? some way to make my life even harder than it is? You take my one way of getting my emotions out and make it a bad thing. I hope sincerely that you are having a great time being a snoop.. maybe you should get a job with the FBI it seems more suited to what you do. Would you like to camp outside of my house to? You are more than welcome to if it makes your day. I am so beyond caring. But for real.. in all absolute seriousness.. you really, really, really, really, really, need to get a life.. perhaps your time would be much better spent doing other things. There is nothing for you here. Not to mention..
" Article 19
Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers."
so fucking deal with it you stupid asshole.

Tired...

i am soooo tired again.. and i don't feel well .. don't know when i'll be back again.. sorry...

Letter From Nick Pinto..

Ok.. so i wasn't going to share this.. but i typed it for Steve so i figured the work has already been put fourth.. so fuck it.. ill share it with you all... that scum-bag had written me a letter from jail. trying to convince me that he did not touch the children, that he did not ruin my whole life, and could i please find him a lawyer? needless to say i didn't answer the letter and i don't think i plan on it. i should also say that i he sent it before they charged him with 87 counts of child pornography.

"I suppose i deserve most of what i am getting in fact it's hard enough to sit here and write this while i am still recovering from my first one-sided fight with my previous cell mate how do you tell a 300lb black man that you arent gay? usually face down. now i get all of eric's jokes you he and kitty were all spot on about everything...

All i wish for now is a fair trial ive writen to ask you if you could look around and/or ask your cousin if there are any pro-bono or pay-scale attorneys out here that would be willing to assist me in what should be an easy death sentence not even so much as for me as i have forfited my whole life but more for the family that i have alienated; danielle (his sister) will be okay but she wont be able to take care of them on her own as i am sure you know i was investigated by cyf for suspected sexual abuse and it was determined unfounded (before the 87 counts got handed down) i have never mollested "touched" abused taken advantage of or gotten intimate with a child i know i am going on no credibility now but i hope this report might spark just a little belief that i am telling the truth i cant address anything more bc of the risk that you may be sitting opposite me if i actually make it to trial beyond that will be the 20 and 1 civil suits on top of it.

still i have to try to appeal to you as you are the only friend ive had who is capable and knowledgeable there is no way i can do it while inside i can hardly ask mom and dad as i finally got two paragraphs from then a few days ago i broke my mothers heart karin i have no home to call my own lost are my family friends skill experiences creativity art and originality
everything that defined me and made me who i am every night i catch more than 30 mins of sleep i relive and witness new possible devastation that i MAY have caused there is no information on the damage my tidal wave of destruction has caused yet. I am still paying every day every night, you'd think that having lost everything and having no value on your own life would be enough reason to not worry anymore but killing somone for killing another never brings that person back

all i have the gaul left to ask this world is for the chance to take care of my parents as they cared for me i was very serious about becoming an rn as you suggested that plan is forsaken (omg can you imagine!?!?!) i would have been good training but ill still find work and ill still be there for them

its hard to write a farewell letter, and it wasnt my intent. when i write my mind goes off on its own its a chance to say good bye which i wont be able to do for my few other friends there's so much left to say only so much paper lefft in the world
of al the friends ive lost i regret loosing my oldest and closest friend things should have been different i always knew something would happen to take my life i always imagined it would be death i also thought it would've come a little later and not in the path of my best friend

the one friend ive made in this hell pit is a 56 year old that reminds me so of my grandfather he has Alzheimer's he wont remember me when he gets out next month very poetic given my final vicissitudes dad is allready 50 mom too this year the one comfort i have left in this world is this cheap $30 dollar-store am/fm radio and the classical jazz oldies and classic rock stations out while i watch the weather come over the mountains to the south its either this or the holy bible thats very popular here

i beg you one last tiem please karin what ever happens thank you for everything it was an honor and a pleasure growing up with you take good care of yourself your one of the few people this world needs

nicholas

p.s.
ready or not here i come... ha ha .. i wish... i really do"


soooo yeah... the balls on the mother fucker are amazing.. just amazing.. and talk about trying to play the guilt card. and he didn't even say one im sorry not one. he doesn't care. he is just desperate. and a fucking dick from fucking hell and he should be fucking shot.

Wind...

the wind just had a strange effect on me.. i am laying here wishing things were different.. wishing that i had a fire place.. such a silly thing to wish for but i really miss the fireplace. I miss the warmth.. and the light glow that radiates around the room.. i miss how everything appears to be dancing with the flames.. a dance of both anger and warmth... no matter where i went there was always a fireplace, at grandma and grandpas, grandpa would fall asleep in-front of it after working on the farm all day and the clock would tick tick tick.. and it was all you heard except for the occasional crack of fire wood.. or grandmas chair creaking, in the basement there was a wood stove and i would think of any excuse to stay there by it, "mom i have to go dry my hair" lol.. then in CT at the fairfield house we had a wood stove and a fireplace in the family room too.. i would sit there as a child by the fire and the christmas tree just watching everything move like the world was dancing just for me. The best was in Peru Vermont.. at the ski house there was a huge fireplace. i would lay on the floor with my head on sugars furry belly with the flicker of flames dancing all around the living room. I remember eating at the dining room table with 18 other people.. laughing.. talking having a god time... they would then usher us children to the downstairs while they continued their conversation over wine and coffee.. laughing away to things we children could not comprehend. We would then curl up downstairs by the little red wood stove, reading books or listening to the juke box. but i digress... i heard the wind a little bit ago.. and it reminded me of the house in VT it reminded me of cold nights when you could just hear it ripping through the house.. and how i would cozy up more under my covers, in the blue room, the gentle night light creating a soft glow. and for a minuet i was a child again.. in my happy place.. how i long to go back there.. when things were so easy and care free.. when we did things as a close family.. i long for that laughter.. the warmth.. the sense of belonging.. and i ask myself.. what has
changed?

* i would like to point out that the picture i added at the top is from Christmas at my parents house. if you click on it you can enlarge it. i was looking at it after i wrote this.. and i decided that it just further illustrates my point that the warmth is gone. look at the tree.. it looks so bare.. there are no logs in the fire.. just candles that have never been burned.. it looks thrown together.. i remember when we all used to put the tree up as a family .. maybe its a sad occasion now maybe people don't want to do it because it isn't a family thing any more. a friend of mine described the tree to me as "Like someone wanted to watch TV instead of putting that shit up, so they plugged it in, and threw them on and said there, it's done. Now STFU." it is quite possible given the way things have been going for my family. there is a lot of sadness.. a lot of heartache.. maybe people just don't feel like christmas any more.. like the magic has gone from this magical time. i know i don't feel the magic any more.. only sometimes.. someday i will figure out how to get the magic back.. someday.. bc i love my family no matter how it looks i love them, they mean everything to me.. and one day i pray we will be a real family again.

Missing you...

Dave.. you were my best friend.. the one i could run too.. you were always there for me.. you could always make me smile.. your words stick with me forever.. i don't know what to do without you.. and i don't know why you left my life.. please.. i just need some answers.. i miss you dearly.. you have no idea.. every day i sign into face book and i see your name.. and it breaks my heart. why.. just why dave? you left with not even a word. what did i do to warrant that? am i that bad of a person? i suppose this is just like my life though. i loose everything important to me. and you were very important... i will never forget you.. ever...

TIRED!!!

Goooodddddd i am soooooooooo tired... i just cant seem to not be tired.. I've been watching black and white movies the past two days to pass the time. its been great, i forgot how much i liked Alfred Hitchcock and i saw a few new ones i hadn't seen before. I still LOVE Paper Moon that movie never gets old. Well anyways.. i dunnoo..

Music...

It is absolutely amazing how some music can spark memories long since gone. I was listening to Galuppi-Parravicini- Concerto No. 7 (like half of you even have a clue what that is lol) and i sparked and interesting memory of me as a young child at C.B.T. *shudders* haha... well.. i had since forgotten those years spent in Ballet.. the pretentious CT snob way.. all children MUST be involved in extracurricular activities.. suited for their gender.. (funny isn't it? i know plenty of male ballet dancers.. but thats just me) I lasted five years there before i had had about enough of that... its just odd how music makes you remember... hehe

Wishes...

“In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.”

How truthful is that? That sums up much of my life. Stuck in the past....


*on a side note.. i sent this to dave... he still didn't answer.. :(

*yawn*

so i haven't been sleeping well again, but at least i have company again for part of the night. :) and its actually someone with a brain. that is an utter miracle this day in age... or maybe thats because i live in pa? i dunno. anyways.. it seems that this Timmy thing is getting dragged on and on... so hope is fleeting... but not much i can do. think this is just seriously the year from hell... i really have no idea what's ahead, or how bad it is going to be.. or hurt for that matter... guess ill be content to be comatose at this point. its why i haven't been writing.. yeah avoidance. i have nothing good to say anyways. and as mother always said if you cant say something nice don't say a thing at all. haha.. crock of shit. well they are going on holiday on wednesday.. i wish i was. i would rather like to escape. Look at something different for a change. this house is getting old. very old. very fast. and i am quickly sinking deeper into depression. gotta do something! talk about feeling useless..

Look what i found..

ok.. so dan doesn't like abstract art...(to each is own *giggle*) so i went digging.. lol.. found this ooooolldddd piece from Judy's class figure drawing 101.. soooo here... lol

I think Fall had officially fallen hehe...

With the seasons changing.. one can reflect that everything must change.. and like the leaves that die every year and fall to the ground.. everything must come to an end to pave the way for new rebirth and new life to beginning.. my life needs to be reborn.. something needs to change.. something needs to give.. my dead leaves need to shed to bring new life to me.. new hope to my world of decay... something...

Dudley A Johnson

JOHNSON A. Dudley Johnson, born February 26, 1922, passed away Tuesday, September 23, 2008 in Palm Springs, Calif. Cantankerous, but loving to the end, Dud was a lifelong resident of Fairfield. As the son of Allen Apgar Johnson and Katherine Sturges Glover Johnson, he was a member of one of the founding families of the town. He married Phyllis Madaloni Johnson of Bridgeport in 1945 while a First Lieutenant in the Air Force. On one of his first missions flying a P-51 over Germany, it was announced the war was over. Dud joked that when the Germans heard he was on his way, they surrendered. He culminated his long business career becoming the International Marketing Director for Pitney Bowes in Stamford. His tenure at Pitney Bowes allowed Dud and his family to move to London, England and travel all over the world. Dud and Phyllis moved to Palm Springs five years ago to be near their son, Dudley (Dood) of Altadena, Calif. In addition to his wife and son, Dud is survived by his sister, Helen Frederick of Santa Barbara, Calif.; his sister, Kay Marsh of Keene Valley, N.Y.; the wife of his late brother Samuel Johnson, Sue of Williamsville, N.Y.; and his son's partner, Barry Schwartz of Altadena, Calif.. Funeral arrangements pending.
(From The Connecticut Post)

Mr. Johnson was a very important part of my life. Growing up my grandparents lived far away in Pennsylvania (funny now that i live in pa but i grew up in CT) Mr. and Mrs. Johnson seemed to take over their role. My brother and I would spend every waking moment at their house. I stayed inside with Phyllis playing Go Fish or Russian Bank, she was quite fond of cards.. and cigarettes.. lol.. she always had the tennis game on in the background too. I must have drank all the snapple in their house! Mr. Johnson never missed one of our birthday parties.. i remember one year i told him to come down and my mom was quite mad telling me there probably wouldn't be enough cake.. i would have given him mine. We used to have little circuses in the trees at his house doing acrobatics and what not. He let us climb and play in them all the time. He was what a good neighbor was all about! I spoke with his son today, he said that he still has our pictures on his desk. It meant the world to hear that from him. I haven't spoken to them in a long time. He will be missed dearly, and never ever forgotten.