the wind just had a strange effect on me.. i am laying here wishing things were different.. wishing that i had a fire place.. such a silly thing to wish for but i really miss the fireplace. I miss the warmth.. and the light glow that radiates around the room.. i miss how everything appears to be dancing with the flames.. a dance of both anger and warmth... no matter where i went there was always a fireplace, at grandma and grandpas, grandpa would fall asleep in-front of it after working on the farm all day and the clock would tick tick tick.. and it was all you heard except for the occasional crack of fire wood.. or grandmas chair creaking, in the basement there was a wood stove and i would think of any excuse to stay there by it, "mom i have to go dry my hair" lol.. then in CT at the fairfield house we had a wood stove and a fireplace in the family room too.. i would sit there as a child by the fire and the christmas tree just watching everything move like the world was dancing just for me. The best was in Peru Vermont.. at the ski house there was a huge fireplace. i would lay on the floor with my head on sugars furry belly with the flicker of flames dancing all around the living room. I remember eating at the dining room table with 18 other people.. laughing.. talking having a god time... they would then usher us children to the downstairs while they continued their conversation over wine and coffee.. laughing away to things we children could not comprehend. We would then curl up downstairs by the little red wood stove, reading books or listening to the juke box. but i digress... i heard the wind a little bit ago.. and it reminded me of the house in VT it reminded me of cold nights when you could just hear it ripping through the house.. and how i would cozy up more under my covers, in the blue room, the gentle night light creating a soft glow. and for a minuet i was a child again.. in my happy place.. how i long to go back there.. when things were so easy and care free.. when we did things as a close family.. i long for that laughter.. the warmth.. the sense of belonging.. and i ask myself.. what has

* i would like to point out that the picture i added at the top is from Christmas at my parents house. if you click on it you can enlarge it. i was looking at it after i wrote this.. and i decided that it just further illustrates my point that the warmth is gone. look at the tree.. it looks so bare.. there are no logs in the fire.. just candles that have never been burned.. it looks thrown together.. i remember when we all used to put the tree up as a family .. maybe its a sad occasion now maybe people don't want to do it because it isn't a family thing any more. a friend of mine described the tree to me as "Like someone wanted to watch TV instead of putting that shit up, so they plugged it in, and threw them on and said there, it's done. Now STFU." it is quite possible given the way things have been going for my family. there is a lot of sadness.. a lot of heartache.. maybe people just don't feel like christmas any more.. like the magic has gone from this magical time. i know i don't feel the magic any more.. only sometimes.. someday i will figure out how to get the magic back.. someday.. bc i love my family no matter how it looks i love them, they mean everything to me.. and one day i pray we will be a real family again.

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