Sometimes it eaiser to just lie..

But the question becomes is it right? well i finally unburdened myself of the truth i knew to be true. and it backfired. i suddenly look like the lair when i am the only one telling the truth. i guess i just have to sit back and wait, until the truth comes out. I just hope it does. I just hope that my good friend will get to know the truth as it is. If not for my sake for her own and her children's sake. this world is so sad. so very sad.


Dinner at Eric's

We had a great time.. the food was awesome and so was the conversation. We watched Paper Moon after.. i really do like that movie.. then we hung out in his basement for a while going through all his dad's strange stuff :)

The Beautiful table we ate at :)

Michael and Eric in the kitchen..

Then we head to the basement... where we found strange things.. and even stranger was our fixation with three pairs of glasses/sunglasses we found down there.. and how much fun and amusement could they really provide?

Some balls we found the had the caption on them "do not mix these balls with others unless marked thus:" uhhh??? and i would like to point out that we did think of jimmy clark and his sling shot and how this would really help his pigeon problem. (lmao)

and some books.. well there we a lot of books providing a lot of amusement

Michael with the first pair of sun glasses

Michael and the first pair of sunglasses.. with a bullet.. looking badass

Michael with the second pair looking straight out of Boogie Nights

Eric with the third pair.. doing an impression of his father..

some strange picture on the mantle

non of us are really sure of the purpose this guy serves.. mostly Eric did Mexican impressions... almost as bad as the movie the three amigos..


My Pretty New Comforter Set :) :)

cozy isn't it?? :)

Some Political Rant..

Is our country so disillusioned that they really care whither or not the presidential candidate said "horse-shit" during the debates or not?!? These sanctimonious snobs have probably said worse than that today! its despicable that this is the huge debate and not which candidate is better prepared to handle foreign policy.. which IS the important part.. *sigh* what have we, the people, come to? we might as just roll over and die right now because there is no hope for us at all, if we are concerned with one word versus the thousands of more important words spoken over the hour and a half debate. Have we forgotten what Bill Clinton said when he forgot his microphone was still on in the 90's? How he dropped the f-bomb and many worse, considered politically incorrect, words? This my fellow Americans is what i consider HORSE-SHIT!


My poor friend...

*sigh* poor eric... poor poor eric.. on the outside one would look at his life and say he has it all.. his own business.. beautiful house.. nice cars.. abundance of money... but to people who know him like me... he is suffering.. and there is not much i can to do elevate his pain. again with the saving the world..but how does one just stand by? how does one just.. do nothing? i don't think i could ever do nothing.. poor poor eric...

Absolute Frustraition..

How on earth am i supposed to get a job if Caregivers of America keeps giving me a false bad reference? they are sooo underhanded its disgusting.. i really hope to everything sacred that their karma comes back to them. they don't do a damn thing right! and they lie! lie! lie! and the worst part is the elderly people that suffer because of it. assholes.. not to mention that what they are doing to me is illegal!!!!!!!!! outright illegal.. god.. all i want is a damn job.



and i am def getting a gun now... and keeping it incase he comes for me...

Wheels of the crazy... History is repeating it's self...

My brother is slipping away... maybe it's because i watch too much CSI or too much Law and Order ... but i have been doing a lot of thinking and analyzing of things and why my brother is the way he is.. and what he has the potential to become. In my recent talks with his girlfriend.. who lately i have become quite close with.. and quite worried for. i have learned a lot... she tells stories.. of things he does which oddly enough are exact accounts of things that have happened in my life. things my dad caused to happen to me. now i should say that my father and i have a sorted past.. but things have changed and all has been forgiven.. now i am left with only a foul taste in my mouth and some sour memories which i have since buried deep.. well hearing accounts of them brought them back.. no worries.. i sent them away again.. but i think i have made some connections that unfortunately only i may be able to make. when i left for Marvelwood.. my relationship with my brother ended. he no longer had any sort of interest in me at all what so ever. well i partially left to get away from the not so friendly situation at home. i almost wonder if my father turned on my brother when i left. he has all the same traits as my dad. the same violence. the same mannerisms.. the same hatred of tears.. the same red-faced spiting rage that corners you in a room.. the same vice grip on your wrists the same threats the same demeaning mannerisms. my brother has taken on the demon my dad got rid of. and he has taken it to a new level. i have accepted that my brother may never be good again. he is killing animals.. and no i don't mean hunting.. yes he hunts.. but he beat a squirrel to death with a lead pipe.. and gloated about it.. that is torture.. that is much different that one bullet.. and apparently he is blowing them up with m 80's too... and most serial killers torment animals first.. then move on to humans.. he beats his poor girl friend. i begged her to get away from him. i know she wont listen to me. i can just pray that one day she will have the strength to get away before she is his first human victim.



Yeah... so it continues.. and my heart breaks more... dave has disappeared.. and i don't know why.. he still hasn't spoken to me. and i cant for the life of me figure out what i did wrong. just the other day we were inseparable. now.. he doesn't give me the time of day. guess he must have all he wants and i no longer fit into the grand scheme of things. its funny how you can throw away something you say is soooo important to you. he seems no different than mike. the two of them can apparently just turn feelings on and off... must be nice.. must be really nice. well i fucking cant! i have soo much and now this. somehow i have to detach myself from another important person in my life. seems to be a pattern here.. people i care about just go away. maybe its me.. maybe i am just not meant to have anything good in my life. maybe i am meant to be unhappy.. tonight.. i shed tears for my lost friend.. i will miss you dave.. and if you come back.. i will welcome you with open arms.. you mean the world to me.. i am so saddened to see you go.. please dave.. please come back.


And the Waiting Continues...

Well Genese is sick today.. so she never came out to the house.. how crappy is that? i have to wait until she feels better and then she can come out here. i am just so sick of waiting and i am worried if they wait too long.. the chance will go right out the window.. i dunno... and dave still hasn't talked to me.. guess he hates me now too.. lucky me.

i AM james bond..

HAHAH sooo i got to shoot a gun today.. talk about a loud fucking gun.. like omg.. and cys is coming in a few hours to my house.. and i am soo freaking.. i have so much to ask them about and i don't know if i am going to like the answers.. if timmy cant stay should i still say yes? i am thinking i will anyways.. its such an emotional roller coaster.. god.. i just want to sleep i am really tired but my mind is soo wide awake.. and of course dave didn't call me tonight.. and i really needed to talk to him tonight! fuck! but he was probably really tired from work. so whatever. i talked to john for a while .. that was nice.. i dunno.. god.. and i am sooo freaking out!


Omg it is soooo late!!!!

so i was asleep and da pup had like a nightmare?? or maybe a good dream.. not really sure which but she was barking in her sleep.. so i woke up.. and pulled her close to me and hugged her incase it was a bad dream.. but now i can't fall back asleep! and i am sad cause i didn't get to talk to dave today.. its not his fault though he worked like a dog today.. poor guy. i just took the pup out and it is like freezing cold out! gurr.. and now the cat wouldn't come in and he is running back and fourth across the roof.. i hate that cat! i made a pumpkin pie today.. well two of them.. with jackie.. it was fun.. and yummy too :) and then we were shooting the gun in the yard and drinkin.. hehe.. rednecky of us.. but it was fun.. now if i could just get to bed so i can have fun up keystone tomorrow .. gonna go bug mark and play with some clay :) woo hoo.. lol.. yeah.. so thats my boring life.. :)



New Work

"its going in Your living room!" (heheh.. inside joke)

this one was for mike.. i wasn't gonna finish it.. but he talked me into it.

and this is me.. hahah.. making these... ugg

Worlds Collide...

its amazing how worlds collide.. i was just thinking how i don't think i ever go back to the marve.. bc i just don't fit in.. (ah my mind wonders) i am no different than all the other richy rich kids.. grew up the same had all the same opportunities.. got to go on all the same trips.. etc. but i am nothing like them. i have my moments where i can PLAY the snob to pacify people.. but i really am not. and i look at all these kids i graduated with.. and well .. they really haven't changed.. its all about appearances.. and who the hell gives a shit about appearances? not me! if i went back there.. id hang (correction from dave: the word is Hide not hang lol) with the kitchen people lol.... wouldn't that be weird? but it is the marve and gossip would be king! *sigh* interesting. i hate all those whiny bitches.. they don't know or care who they hurt. so fuck them and there money.. they don't know what life really is. and one day their high horse will get tired of carrying them around and they will fall.. and then maybe then they will understand what it means to be a fucking human.


My mom..

my mom and i have been going at it like wild dogs. i don't know what to do. she has been helping me out so much.. but i know she hates a lot about me. it's getting to this point where the tension is so intense i dread talking to her. i cant seem to do anything right in her eyes. i guess thats pretty normal though. i dunno.. this is just not what i need right now... this has just been the year from hell.....


CYS can suck a dick!

CYS had decided to go through timmy to tell us to bring his stuff to him. and they took it upon themselves to threaten timmy and tell him if we did not bring his stuff to him he would no longer be aloud to speak with us. it is so fucking utterly disgusting. i hate how they do things. what's wrong with them? has this child not gone through enough? now they have to threaten him with things that aren't in his control. fucking sick. they don't even have the balls to handle it like an adult!

Update: Apparently CYS had nothing to do with this.. it was just timmy's terrible foster parents, they made all their own decisions and CYS way really pissed when they found out.


I am more lucid at night..

After a long conversation with an old and dear friend... i found some about myself. maybe i am a cynic? not sure. the question came up.. is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? *sigh* i can go either way on this... loosing a child is like losing light.. like loosing air.. like loosing something necessary to live. i asked do you right now regret that you do not have a child? the answer was no.. i am not ready. well.. at the time timmy came to me i wasn't either. i wasn't thinking of children. but he fell in my lap. he gave me purpose.. he gave me a new breath an awakened spirit. now that he is gone i am aware of how much of an impact he made. i am aware that i miss him. that i have a void that needs to be filled. had i never experienced that i wouldn't know. the old ignorance is bliss rings more true than the saying before. a person can never understand the pain i do, unless they have lived it.. loosing a loved one.. husband, boyfriend, pet what have you pales in comparison. i am broken. and i am walking blindly through this life.. searching.. i am back on the prowl.. so to speak.. i feel like a drone.. i feel like i have no more sense of purpose. and no one understands. people can understand the love a mother feels for their child. it is the most intense love there is. and the hardest thing to hear is mommy i want to come home. and knowing you cant give that child what they want. or mommy i miss you, i love you. try to swallow those words and have to be strong and give a straight answer back. it isn't easy. if there is a god.. he really hates me. i have decided to keep this conversation away from my life .. my friends don't want to hear about it anymore. but its all i want to talk about. its all i can think about. it plagues my mind. my dreams. my life. my everything. i never know what tomorrow will bring. but it wont bring happiness. not for me. its so weird.. i for some reason today thought i might die. and i was ok with it. i had accepted the fact that something was going to kill me. and i wasn't dreading it at all. just stupidly calm.. or maybe i was numb. i don't know.. how can one life have such a ripple effect on so much of mine? but another day is here.. and i am going to pretend.. i will smile in your face and tell you i am fine. i will continue living my lie. until i no longer can. until you become interested again. because i am not fine. and i am not going to be not for a long time.

Halloween starts in September...

is it really that bad that its sep and my halloween decorations are already up? i am no where near done with them yet.. i have a looonnggg way to go.. it takes me forever to get them all up so i start ridiculously early...well everyone is telling me i am insane.. and today.. i was in the dollar store and there were christmas decorations on sale.. christmas... and i am the crazy one.. just wow.. talk about rushing the season.. lol.. halloween is my favorite holiday.. i dont know why it just holds the most magic for me.. i hold a huge party... costume of course.. and this year with the new house and all i intend for it to be bigger than all the years before! and we can have  a bonfire too.. i cant wait... so i got all hyped up and started early so shoot me.. lol so in the spirit i am on a horror movie kick.. so far ive watched all the friday the 13th's all the nightmare on elms.. all the halloweens and i am moving in to evil dead... and if i could just uncover sleep-away camp ill be a happy camper.. (ok lame) anyways.. im just babbling..


Everyone needs to see this..

well at least the first thirty mins of it... 


further proof of points i have been trying to make.


no sleep

omg i am still freggin awake.. i wish my head would stop pounding!

Dead Fish

Ok.. so i just went to feed my fishies.. if you know me you know i HATE fish.. i am TERRIFIED of fish. and it all dates back to a long time ago in my life. Well aside from hating fish.. i really really am horrified by dead fish. well mike told me the other day that he flushed "Tin Fins" our ginormous fish. I just went in there and the other fish that is tiger striped was floating upside down. i screamed. it scared the ever-loving fuck out of me. well i decided to tough it out cause i didn't want the other ones to die. so i fed them and decided to put a tank buddies fungus clear in there to be sure they weren't sick. well as they are eating the other fish keep pushing the dead one towards me *shiver* i ended up running from the room screaming. so i get to thinking "wow.. i am fregging nuts!" so i look up online and there is an actual word for the fear of fish!!! WTF?? its called "Ichthyophobia" sooo i cant even read this with out keeping a straight face. Now i know my fear is real.. but.. wow... seriously? there is a medical name for this? this page goes on to talk about this program they have to overcome this fear. so i keep looking around and there are all these silly fears.. the fear of clouds...aka "nephophobia" or.. the abnormal dislike or fear of walking "bathmophobia" uhhh isn't that laziness? or how about this one?? the abnormal fear or dislike of work... "ergasiophobia" think everyone suffers from that.. just thought i would share this... b/c i really really couldn't take it seriously. and i am the one afraid of dead fish.. i have no excuses

Trip To CT

We finally got away for a few days.. it was LOTS of fun!! saw a lot of my family.. and actually found out that some of them i never thought were human actually are. (how strange is that?) i had a weird moment where i thought i was going to start bawling.. actually i was.. if i hadn't gone for a walk and called dave i would have. it was really hard being around all the other kids and the happy families knowing that i once had that. i think the worst thing in the world is loosing a child. but i pulled myself together and forced myself to have fun. we had a great clam bake, a good cook out... boat rides... long walks... strolled around niantic for a while... then we went to Kent and wandered around Macedonia for a few hours.. it was all over good.. and it was really nice to see dave again.. i really missed him. :) so thank god for the long needed break!