I am more lucid at night..

After a long conversation with an old and dear friend... i found some about myself. maybe i am a cynic? not sure. the question came up.. is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? *sigh* i can go either way on this... loosing a child is like losing light.. like loosing air.. like loosing something necessary to live. i asked do you right now regret that you do not have a child? the answer was no.. i am not ready. well.. at the time timmy came to me i wasn't either. i wasn't thinking of children. but he fell in my lap. he gave me purpose.. he gave me a new breath an awakened spirit. now that he is gone i am aware of how much of an impact he made. i am aware that i miss him. that i have a void that needs to be filled. had i never experienced that i wouldn't know. the old ignorance is bliss rings more true than the saying before. a person can never understand the pain i do, unless they have lived it.. loosing a loved one.. husband, boyfriend, pet what have you pales in comparison. i am broken. and i am walking blindly through this life.. searching.. i am back on the prowl.. so to speak.. i feel like a drone.. i feel like i have no more sense of purpose. and no one understands. people can understand the love a mother feels for their child. it is the most intense love there is. and the hardest thing to hear is mommy i want to come home. and knowing you cant give that child what they want. or mommy i miss you, i love you. try to swallow those words and have to be strong and give a straight answer back. it isn't easy. if there is a god.. he really hates me. i have decided to keep this conversation away from my life .. my friends don't want to hear about it anymore. but its all i want to talk about. its all i can think about. it plagues my mind. my dreams. my life. my everything. i never know what tomorrow will bring. but it wont bring happiness. not for me. its so weird.. i for some reason today thought i might die. and i was ok with it. i had accepted the fact that something was going to kill me. and i wasn't dreading it at all. just stupidly calm.. or maybe i was numb. i don't know.. how can one life have such a ripple effect on so much of mine? but another day is here.. and i am going to pretend.. i will smile in your face and tell you i am fine. i will continue living my lie. until i no longer can. until you become interested again. because i am not fine. and i am not going to be not for a long time.

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