It's been a while..

So in my absence of writing.. quite a bit has happened.. i had an interesting trip out to dan's house, the being there part was great.. the getting too and from not so much, the GPS went all nuts on me again, on the way down it got me lost in Harrisburg, which apparently i shouldn't have been in at all, with a crack dealer heading towards my car at 3 am in some alley way.. yeah that was fun, then on the way home it got me lost in avoca on some dirt road that was not good for my car then told me to go 7 miles straight which in about two brought me to a cliff.. so.. yeah.. needless to say.. i didn't continue on. so in the midst of all this, the first night i had left at 11:30 pm after saying good bye to the pup and i was TIRED already, and starting to come down with a nice round of being sick but i went anyways cause i'm crazy like that. and i am happy i did. and next time i am going to mess with dan's books something awful. :p and maybe be well enough to eat the food he cooks.. lord i suck. and on the way back i was even sicker (thats really a word?) so yeah anyways.. it was eventful.. i feel god awful today, and i am back not a day and find out that john is leaving, which is like the worlds biggest fuck you. after spending every day off i had carting him and that stupid sara chick around, i guess he doesn't quite grasp what i did for him. i took in someone i hadn't really talked to in years, trusted him, (after he dumped me on valentines day years and years ago btw) and i took in the girl he was with who i had never met. not knowing what to expect. and as you all know she turned out to be the worst. i had high hopes for john, i really and truly thought he was going to be the one person who didn't dog me out in the end. i was wrong. it seems everyone i try to help out fucks me over in some way. you put yourself out there, and people have a way of throwing your good nature back in your face. of all the things he lied to me and said he wasn't given a choice and had to go home. when i talked to his parents i was told that he called them and basically begged to go home. apparently he has a problem telling people the truth and owing up to his choices in life. not that i am the least bit surprised, he reminds me of my brother. i wouldn't care if i hadn't given up so much of my free time to filling out paper work and all that what not. all he had to do from that point on was got to scranton counseling and wait. all the hard stuff was done. but whatever.. what's done is done, close the book, turn the page and good riddance!

LMFAO!!!!!! John has me blocked on AIM now how do you like that shit? how's that for a big fuck you? hahahahahahahaha



So i expected janice to be on her usual bitch kick, she wasn't so bad. she showed up about 30 mins into my shift, and really didn't give me the hell i was waiting for about taking her on the outing. and i was thankful for that. not sure if it had to do with the employee satisfaction surveys or not. :P but while she was there she complained to me alot about crystal. we both looked in the closets and saw mayhem, how is it that one is so inept that they cannot fold sheets? it literally looked like they had been thrown in the closets. usually i would just fix them but she told me to leave them and talk to crystal tomorrow. then i find that crystal who should damn well know better forgot to record I & O for the one guy. so i left her a note. and found that she pulled the peg tube of a patient halfway out. its just been one of those nights. i also made plans to head to Dan's on thursday, i only hope that can happen.. but lord with the snow we have anymore out here.. god only knows. but thats the least of my worries. i defiantly could use some time out of Pa though. my mother planned a trip to North or was it South Carolina? i can't remember which.. but one of the two.. i can't wait for that though i doubt i will get the PTO for it. i would love to go on that too, just me her aunt nancy uncle bill and daddy. that would be really nice. well.. i dunno.. i'm just exhausted... and numb.. and just whatever.. so i'm going to bed.. *sigh* another night going into another day..

2 am scranton trip...

So after sleeping the day away because i felt like crapola.. i decided i wanted to run to scranton to get milk ours was not very umm... good? lol what was i thinking? so we set off (john and i) and went on our merry way, i had dan on the phone so lucky him he got to hear all our stories of brushes with the law from back in our drug days. poor thing lord only knows what he was thinking. we sounded like a bunch of washed up hippies, reminiscing about days gone by. we had the pup with us so we decided to go to mc donalds and get her two double cheese burgers. she was being such a good poopers. so while we were there i got a dose of "now i know why i don't live in scranton any more" it's these little reminders that make me soooooo happy to live out in Moscow, and that thing with Nick doesn't seem so bad, seeing as how that is what forced me out of scranton to begin with. we were waiting online at the drive through and everyone was of color, we were the minority, not that that was the problem, but this couple came out and were fighting the guy hit the girl and they were screaming i said wow.. so the cops will be here soon, and within like a min all you hear are sirens and three cop cars pull up. well i was parked in the drive through line and the car with the fighting couple was in the space adjacent to me.. i was rather concerned they would try to leave fast and hit my car. but thankfully that was not the case. and the poor puppy was going crazy she 1. hates fighting.. and 2. hates cops. i decided to hang the phone up incase they wanted a statement.. which they didn't thankfully, though i did know the plate number. they never caught the people. seems mc donalds is a hot spot at 2:45 am for the drunks to convene. we didn't get out of there until like 3:22 and then went to big tits for some doughnuts and then turkey hill for the milk then home. all the while listening to Mazzy Star.. god i loveeee Mazzy! lol.. now i'm home and its 4:02 am.. whoopee.. time for bed! lol


In a Nutshell.. or am i the nut?

So.. this has quite possibly been the most hellish week ever.. or have i said that already? If it weren't for my love of Mazzy i probably wouldn't have slept at all at night.. *sigh* janice has been cracking the whip as any good slave driver would. i wonder if this is her form of getting her reparations? taking it out on white people. i am most certain at this point its white people she doesn't like. she treated all the people who work there of color much better than she does us. but thats neither here nor there.. the bitch is nuts! and thats that. I get her that stupid receipt and i think things will be alright.. one would think at this point i would have realized that she will NEVER be happy and i really should just stop trying. but i am a hopeless dreamer i suppose. i never let reality quite get a hold on me, thus creating my own reality, one more suited for my way of life i suppose. my personal delusions help keep me sane in a way. if i were to obsess over all this nonsense.. i would loose it.. if i haven't already. ha! every day its the same old thing, i wake up go through my morning routine, call and talk to dan or eric for a while, and make the mad dash to get to work.. i trudge in forlorn waiting for the explosion of insanity flowing from Janice's mouth, i wait to see what she will find wrong and believe you me, she looks. anyways i digress.. with the receipt thing it was finally a non issue after two days of worry and a bunch of rigamarole. i was finally at peace with it. now she is calling twice during the 3-11 shift to make sure we don't have any questions, my fault for not calling her about the receipt, which she would have screamed at me for anyways. i can not even begin to explain how awful it is to wake up each day and know that it's probably going to be worse than the one before it. well we got a bit of snow.. what else is new? Crista did transport. She told me there were three accidents on 307 (or if you are janice its "the 307" god does that piss me off) so i called janice, her thing is "this van can not leave this house if dunmore or north pocono schools are closed" which i checked they weren't. so i called her to be sure she wanted me to do the community life activity that day. which is what she wanted me to do, because she "doesn't trust my decision making skills" thanks oh so much. she doesn't answer the phone, at this point it had temporarily stopped snowing, and the roads were clear, i waited for 45 mins for her to call back. she didn't so i left. i went to the hair dressers with the woman i was supposed to take. thinking janice will be quite cross if i didn't do the outing. yeah i was wrong, she was mad that i did. or whatever she was. so now i have this looming over me, yeah for tomorrow. so if you all are wondering where I've been.. i've been trying to just find some amount of peace. which seems impossible. i love my job, i love the people i take care of, i hate that i cant just enjoy it. i can't just do right by them. she has ruined much of my faith in humanity. but yeah.. that's in a nutshell how things have been going.

"Fields of Gold" Sting

Seemed fitting..

Youll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
Youll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
Well forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that Ive broken
But I swear in the days still left
Well walk in the fields of gold
Well walk in the fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
Youll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold
When we walked in the fields of gold
When we walked in the fields of gold


Janice is a big fat bitch!

Janice is a bitch,
she's a big fat bitch,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
she's a stupid bitch,
if there ever was a bitch,
she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.

Monday she's a bitch,
on Tuesday she's a bitch,
on Wednesday to Saturday, she's a bitch,
then on Sunday, just to be different,
she's a super, king, kameha-meha biatch!

Have you ever met Janice,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
she's a mean old bitch,
and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch,
bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
she's a stupid bitch,
Janice is a bitch and she's
such a dirty bitch!

Janice, is a bitch-cha!

yeah so that's on the humor side of things.. but really what a bitch, i had to do transport today, and as i told you all already, i am incapable of doing a damn thing right in her eyes. i even showed up early to make her happy, and i went to fill the van on the way home, well i do this and of course it doesn't print a receipt. you know what? fuck this after the conversation i just had with dan.. and the day i had i am not even in the mood to finish this shit. i'm gonna go cry myself to sleep and finish this tomorrow. every fucking person in my life feels the fucking need to lecture me because every fucking person knows better. fuck everyone. i can make my own opinions and i am goddamn entitled to them!

yeah so i was like utterly out of my head.. and dan totally made up for that a thousand times over, even though he didn't need to, not in the least, i was being a royal bitch.. but the rest of the story is that i have to get this receipt, which i wasn't able to do for two days or i would have to talk to the CEO of the company and explain why there is an unaccounted for charge on her credit card. gurrr.. but i got it off the register tape, and janice was happy. but not before going through a whole rigamarole to get it first.


For Jackie Again..

Click to make the image bigger.. you'll understand then...


For Jax With Much Love LMAO!

Jax and Easton Say What Now?????

So i set out to meet up with Jackie... to prove her bitch ass mother wrong.. and wrong she was! although, the starting out part didn't work out so well.. i got a ways before realizing that the whole point which was to bring her her jacket was not in my car and had to run home to get it... *sigh* im a dip! i met her half way, in Easton of all places! a place michael described as the BPT of PA haha oops. She picked it. Well we start off.. and i swear the GPS was smoking something, i kept going where in the fuck is 380?!?!? it was like IMPOSSIBLE to find lol.. it took us in the most assed out retarded way possible, but we found it after passing through some back-woods-country-watch-your-corn-hole kind of town. talk about scary! there were like real life out houses, must be were cousin eddie resides. "lets go find yer sister!" i'm pretty sure i uttered the words "oh fuck i hope the car doesn't die, were gonna get raped." i mean it was trailer park heaven, there were hubcaps on the lawns, broken cars, decrepit gas stations, would make for some good black and white pictures. there was even a helicopter with like a wooden inside.. that was special! About when we passed the tumbleweed (yes a real one) on 248 and i was wondering if jax was trying to get us killed, i get a txt from her.. "i am 90% sure there are no bathrooms here, and that is frightening" we had a good laugh at that b.c we had worse problems haha.. so then john was on the phone with walter and not watching the GPS and i wasn't cause i was driving and all so i missed a turn, it took us 10 miles out of our way on 611, he then explained to me all i had to do was follow the blue line. and we all know the blue line will take you off cliffs and into lakes! so we ended up in the town of Wind Gap.. which btw.. was omg windy.. so it lived up to its name! which doesn't surprise me, the only problem was my little two ounce honda civic hybrid was about to flip over making travel above 75 mph impossible.. and you all know how i feel about that hehe. we talked to jax on the phone while we were getting attacked my a subaru and horrific flying leaves, it was like it was autumn all over again.. they were all over.. i even smelt autumn in the air.. it was.. interesting to say the least. i kept txting her and dan while driving too.. almost ran a red light, its almost like a sport, txting and driving.. you have to make a genuine effort to stay on the road, and not to get pulled over by the cops for dwi! hehe. so we get near the destination, and the GPS ends up dropping us at a police station and john starts bugging out.. he really doesn't like pigs.. not sure what's wrong with the gps.. but where is this mall? finally it resets and we find the mall thank god! to which the response was "AHHHHH! OHHHH! AHHHH!" i then did the asshole two spot park.. i mean hell i got my car back two days ago.. john found it amusing that my 2 oz car took up two spots. (it seemed note worthy then) we then ate at this diner johns food looked like poop. it was umm.. fun.. then off to scranton.. on the way we got attacked by a twig of death falling from the evil sky.. almost giving me a heart-attack. and uh.. wind gap was still windy, go figure, there was an asshole driving slow in the fast lane it made me a bit irate.. but i kept a level of calm.. couldn't wait to just get back! not having my phone and getting stuck with the one i have which is a zombie phone that has an added eardrum murder feature.. on both ends.. is just annoying.. thankfully ill have a new one within two days. and can someone tell me when gas went back to 1.97? did i miss that? oh and get this.. its was snowing in Moscow when i got back.. wow.. go figure.. haha.. thats all for now..



So we have still been on that stupid page on the political site.. and the guys stuck up for me john as my ex dan as my current *giggle* talk about sweeeett!!!

Dan: "First not, I'm not this anonymous poster here, I'm not a member of this site, but I wanted to say something. Karin is my girlfriend (and i am a straight male) and she is one of the kindest, sweetest, most creative, most intelligent people I have ever know. The way you are demeaning her, for no other reason I can tell that she decided to stick up for her friend, is utterly repugnant. You yell at someone to come back when they can spell better, why don't you come back when you're comfortable being a decent human being and let these people get on with their lives. Granted, doing the right thing is obviously a novel concept for a person as small as you, but self-improvement starts from a first step. Why don't you take it?
POSTED BY ANONYMOUS ON 02/10/2009 @ 2:10 AM"


"I hadn't intended to post again, but I feel compelled. Zero and I are not the same person, we've never even met. I know you're small mind no doubt lives in a world where people act like that, since you clearly do, but most people don't. And quite honestly, I only posted here because I felt the need stand up for the most wonderful person I've ever met from one of the most cowardly I've ever witnessed, and I say that as someone who has nearly completed a PhD in history, so I've seen alot of cowardace in those studies. Of course, you'll no doubt assume all this is made up too. You know, they can do wonder for paranoid delusions these days, you might want to look into that and leave these people alone.
POSTED BY ANONYMOUS ON 02/10/2009 @ 2:45 AM"

John: "Ok Mr. Anon I read as much of this trivial B.S you spew as I could handle before the steam started coming out. As a friend of Jackie's and Karen's EX (Yes I am a straight Male) I see all this slanderous talk about lesbians, bisexuals being gay, ass rape, bashing people for having a REAL life (that would be the one that is outside of the scary front door or your what I assume to be a dilapidated studio apartment where you must fight the rats for diner every night. Or your mothers basement whatever.) The point is Your being outrageously offensive to the ones I love and can't even do it without the cloak of anonymity. That offends me and those who know me huh I'll just leave you to ponder what you've gotten yourself into. Come out YOUR closet buddy show YOUR TRUE COLORS.
POSTED BY ZERO753 ON 02/10/2009 @ 1:58 AM" (apparently my ex can't spell my name thats a bit scary)

"wow she works more then you would ever know, you are a mere punching bag for her winding down after work or at least you have made it that way..and commenting on her looks .... you must have bad eyesight buddy. Zero is the perfect name Zero Tolerance for scum like you.
POSTED BY ZERO753 ON 02/10/2009 @ 2:09 AM"
(this had me in stitches)

and then Dan wrote this for John cause it was just getting ugly..

"You may not like this, and you're never going to admit you're wrong anyway, but the facts stand and, as John Adams said, facts are stubborn things. You demanded proof of when you slandered a lesbian, Jackie's a lesbian, so you did. You know, if you're going to get into an argument like this, you might want to remember how it started, which was Karin defending her lesbian friend Jackie from a vicious personal attack that, if you didn't perpetrate you're certainly in sympathy with. Oh, and by the way, if you're going to insult others for being inarticulate you might want to not use profanity ever other word. That is about as low as you can get. Granted, I know that's where you're used to being, but change can be beneficial, certainly for you.
POSTED BY ZERO753 ON 02/10/2009 @ 2:51 AM"

so yeah.. it was rather amusing, not that it had any effect on the bottom feeder but at lest this time i had some back up! and wonderful back up lol


The Shit Has Hit The Fan!!!

So, I go back to work, having only had 4 hours of sleep.. I am thinking well I went a bit above and beyond for janice, maybe she will be nice.. WRONG! again!! so apparently yelling at me in the AM wasn't good enough, she had to carry it over into the afternoon too. well.. I lost it.. I started bawling my eyes out like a little bitch, go me.. damnit, then she didn't let up, didn't show any type of remorse, which doesn't surprise me, I am pretty sure she has no heart. Here I am running on empty, begging god for death so I can get some damn sleep, and she is ripping into me. All because I suggested if she is going to put exotic things on the menu could she please leave directions on how she is expecting it to be prepared. she considered that to be condescending so i guess that wasn't right to say. So this went into a 20 min lecture, about how apparently I need to be more organized, like fuck dude.. right now? you need to do this now?!?! yeah apparently so. I don't need to be more organized I just need to give a shit, which I don't thanks to her. honestly, I don't care about this job any more, there is no pleasing her no matter what I do. so why bother? the motivation to not get yelled at only takes a person so far. I love the people I take care of, I love the aspect of taking care of them, but she has created such a hostile work environment I don't ever want to come here any more. I dread seeing her truck in the driveway because I dread the words that are going to flow from her mouth when I arrive. I dread the condescending notes she leaves in the shift exchange. I dread even having to look at her face, even if she is in a good mood that day, I know she will make some demeaning comment. And apparently I am supposed to be a mind reader. I think that she likes to holler at people because it makes her feel powerful, some people get a small taste of power and just run with it. Well I told her all this today, in not as calm and not as tactful of a way. I just really don't care, not one bit! Fire me, let me go, do what you have to I don't want to be here in an environment that is detrimental to my health and well-being. fuck this. To make matters worse after all this crap, I had to deal with food bowls being thrown, stripping, screaming, hitting, vomiting, and biting.. this has just all been too much.. and I seriously just can't wait to go home.. I am going to snap..


So it appears I am stuck here.. working another double shift.. yeah 18 hours straight... god this sucks soooo bad.. like omg. I have everyone in bed and John, Michael and Mocha came to drop some stuff off.. I made the lunches.. not sure what to do with myself now.. hummm... gotta clean the place yet.. that's what the overnight shift gets to do, sweep and mop the floors, clean the bathrooms, fold and put away the laundry, at least I can catch up on some paperworkish stuff.. *sigh* i'm already bored and my normal shift only just ended.. its like 11:03 pm.. aarrgghh.. oh well.. gotta do what ya gotta do.. right?

So you would think that having put myself out there that Janice would be kind to me about the whole eggplant thing, nope.. not a change.. its like i dunno.. 9:25 am and i am just getting home.. how much does that suck? i was nothing but nice to her only to have her freak on me anyways, i hadn't realized she changed the I&O sheets either, apparently she told crystal to tell me.. well she didn't so.. yeah.. thats.. that... *sigh* i give up.. there is no pleasing that woman no matter how hard you try. non at all what soever.. your best is never enough.. what a great end to a 20.30 hour shift.. FUCKKKKKKK

I'm gonna attempt to go to bed now..


What's REally Important?

It's funny, Khai said to me today something to the effect of he doesn't know a thing about politics because it's just not important to him. I only wish I could think like that sometimes. In his position especially, I would imagine it would be a major issue. As you can all tell from my last entry, we are having it out with some internet gremlin on Gay rights, or at least that's what the argument has since ballooned into and tempers are flaring. I have chosen to opt out of most of it just commenting where its intellectually sound to do so. It occurred to me that I have gotten so pathetic and feel so strongly on the issue that here I am at work checking on the debate from my cell phone, which to me means I am entirely way too involved. It just was something I felt really strongly about, when someone attacks a friend of mine I automatically go up in arms. It just really all stems back to what I always say about how as a society we have become so closed-minded outright refusing to think that another persons ideals, religion, sense, what have you, could possibly be right. We follow blindly like the little American sheep that we are listening to the news casts believing everything we hear, letting societal norms dictate to us what is right and wrong, versus what we think and feel. Ever being forced to fit into a category or mold of a person we somewhat represent. We let Colleges and Universities fill our head with their way of thinking, that only someone who went to College could think. We as a nation have be so striped of our individuality it makes me sick. Good healthy debate has been turned into people spitting back an overflowing fountain of tripe they have heard from the media and books, (i don't mean respectable books or respectable news sources, CNN and CSPAN sit at the right hand of the devil) they no longer take the time to question what they, as a person, really think, they don't consider if any of what is being said really makes sense. They deliver sob story after sob story, and yet do nothing. They think they have all the answers, and no one else is right, even if someone is telling them something based on personal experience, vs what they have read somewhere. Since when did personal experience have no bearing? This country is headed for destruction, and the mass population is to blind to see it. It's just so sad. We have become so consumed by image, so consumed by greed, by money, by material objects.. I mean really we can't be heading anywhere good. But fuck what do I know? I have to be the most inarticulate blathering moron this side of the coast, prattling away with my personal view which I know no one shares with me, and I know I sound like some aged hippy retard. but you know what, of all the people, of all the ideas, the beat generation and the hippys had it right. Question everything, follow nothing. The number one issue on peoples minds should be what makes them happy, what gives them life, find that one thing and focus on that... this life comes but once.. really consider.. what's REALLY important?


Wanted to share with you guys the B.S. of my night... Gay Conservatives Need Not Apply... this is really some bulllllll shhheeeeeiiiittttt!!!!! read through the comments to understand why i said what i said... disgusting is the best word for it..

Jackie's Mother... among other things...

Jackie's mother is smoking something, and it's nothing pleasant like a little pot, she is smoking some hardcore disgusting thing like crack, or PCP, that bitch is whacked out of her mind. she told jackie that I don't do anything for her. Okay, maybe I don't go out to her house, but who in there right mind would want to? I have no desire to spend anytime with a self-righous, egotistical, maniacal, arrogant, self-centerd, cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Holy shit...where's the Tylenol? *giggle* (sorry so had to it was heading in that direction...) she has taken it upon her self to say that I won't bring Jackie's jacket to her, or even meet her half way, in Dan's words, “she is completely divorced from reality” which I rather like, it describes her to a T! Well Mrs. Know it all control freak bitch, I am going to meet her halfway so stick that in your pipe and smoke it! FUCKKKKK! I so cannot wait to hear what she says when Jackie magically pulls her coat out of her ass. In fact I recommended to her that she tell her mother that she is magical and that she did just that. she has a burlington coat factory hidden in her ass crack. It makes more sense than anything her mother can muster up so maybe the moron will believe it.

So tonight i dealt with vomit again... only it was vomit in more places that i could count.. and vomit with stripping.. it was incredibly frustrating.. and janice had fried eggplant on the menu for dinner.. but there was no oil or butter in the house.. i mean how the hell was i supposed to make that? save the fact that the eggplant was sooo over ripe it was nasty. so i reheated the pizza.. taking bets on her being mad about that.. i am throwing in 20$ that she will be livid.. *sigh* so not wanting to go back tomorrow..


My best friend..

My best friend is the most reliable person ever. She never leaves me to suffer alone, she is always there for me, wither it be a hand to hold, a hug i so desperately need, words that console me, or a joke to brighten my horrible day, my best friend is the most important person in my life. She always knows just what to say, she has never let me down though i know i have in the past, and probably present, let her down many a time. I would do anything i could for her, i value our friendship like no other, i have never know any other person to have such an impact on my life. She is compassionate, she is funny, she is kind.. like no one i have ever met! she has the patience of a saint.. way beyond my own realm of patience. She is smarter than anyone i have ever met, she doesn't waste her time on silly sites like neopets :p she spends her time with intellectual entertainment. She cares more for others than she does her own self. She would drop whatever she was doing no questions asked to try to help a friend, no matter how much that friend was getting on her nerves, believe me, i've see it.. (ie. Danny) she is hilarious, she never stops making me smile.. no matter what kind of mood i am in, she can always make me laugh, wither it be trivial silliness or a well thought out joke.. or just some stupid political cartoon, she knows just what to do. She has got to be the friendliest person around, when i brought john and sarah into my home, she didn't ask any questions, she jumped right in, and did her best to make friends with them, and was there for both of them no matter how nuts sarah made all of us. i admire her willing nature and free spirit.. she doesn't care she will tell you what she wants, she will do what she wants, except when it comes to a select few people, stupid people, who have found a way to bring her down, i admire her for all that she does, med school is no joke, and goddamn i wish i had that kind of ambition. I know that no matter what i say to her, she will never breath a word of it to anyone else, i know that she will never ever judge me, i know that she will stand by my side through thick and thin, and that is very hard to come by these days. She means everything to me, and i love her with all that i have, Jackie, you are wonderful, never change, stay strong, and if you ever doubt.. look here.. and remember.. i believe in you.. and i always will..


Relatively uneventful...

It would seem today was pretty uneventful.. though there was a bit of amusement at work, last night I was exhausted, and upset as you all saw, so I asked mike to salt the walkway and emergency path for me before he drove me home. which he obliged. as he was doing so janice decided to come back so she could give a talking to to heather. she didn't say a word to me about this but she told heather and christa, that when she showed up mike was “shoveling” the driveway and when he saw her he dropped the shovel and ran like he had “seen a ghost” truth be told, he wasn't shoveling, he was SALTING the pathway I had shoveled a few moments before. not only was he not shoveling, he didn't drop anything, nor did he run, he continued with what he was doing, and said hello to her like he owned the place unfazed by her ghetto booty. so y is she telling stories? and does she realize how dumb she looks? *giggle* moron! so then Christa is telling me about how when Janice went to go leave, she goes, “you need to make a pharmacy run today, would you like to do it while Karin is here? or would you like to go now while I am?” well before she can utter a response janice goes, “well since you said you would like to do it while Karin is here I am going to get going.” so Christa is looking around for the other person in the room at this point and wondering is Janice is up to date on her Schizophrenic meds? is she hearing voices? cause she for shit sure knows she didn't say a word. we had quite a good laugh over this one. then there was the coffee, Janice asked if Christa wanted her to leave the coffee and Christa told her to dump it, yeah.. she didn't she left it.. *sigh* and yesterday when I was closing K's curtains I found Janice's Tea mug on K's window sill, like what???? and she hadn't signed the med log or the green sheets, unreal.. all the things she gets on us for.. so we had an amusing day telling stories to say the very least..



this had been a week I think to remember my failures, my faults and my shortcomings... as if it wasn't already bad enough... it decided to get worse.. but isn't that how it always goes? I opened a letter today, from a ESQ. about something which I thought had been laid to rest by the silence I received from CYS.

Dear Ms. Overfield:

Please be advised that I represent T S (ya'll know who this is if you know me) in the above matter. (doesn't she mean below matter? freggin re re, what is she 5? writing this with her little marker?) It is my understanding you were a foster parent for T in 2008. (little longer than that asshole) As you are aware, T is currently placed with aonother foster family. (FUCKING DUH! Was this really nesicary?????? BLODDY MORON!)
However, several personal items belonging to T were left at your residence when T was moved. (don't you mean removed? or ripped involuntarily from my home?) Enclosed herewith, (wow.. no comment) kindly find a list of items T identified as the personal items that were left at your residence. Kindly contact me upon receipt of this letter in order to make arrangements for the transfer of T's belongings.

Thank-you for your anticipated cooperation in this matter. I look forward to and am awaiting your telephone call. (oh? JUST YOU FUCKING WAIT!)

Very Truely Yours, (what? is that for real? is she daft?)
Corinne E. Thiel, Esquire

*sigh* sooo.. yeah.. then there was this photocopied, handwritten note from T, detailing what he wanted.. or lack of detail was more like it.. he was rather vague, it broke my heart, I am glad all the love and support I gave him meant something. I am glad the changes I made to my life and my home were worth it. I am glad loosing my job was so the right thing to do. yeah.. I lost my job because I CHOSE to take him in when HIS family wouldn't step up! HIS family didn't want him, but I was right there!!!! no questions asked!! I fucking OFFERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and this is how it ends! with a fucking letter from a goddamn lawyer. I really rate high. He said he was happy, he said he finally had a home. I gave him more than I ever gave anyone, my family saw it. He changed me. I thought I had, had some effect on him but apparently he would rather be like he was, go back to his old ways, I want to believe that he had nothing to do with this. but michael tells me not to think that way. that he most certainly had everything to do with this. he asked for it. I want to believe it is the people he resides with, egging him on, I want to believe it is them putting these ideas in his head, but I know better, its how he was raised, and nurture always wins. though I am sure they play a small role.

So it seems Michael's solution is to bring all his stuff, to just get it over with. the stuff that a month ago I was told we didn't have. I don't agree, I think I need a response from CYS first, the silent treatment is so disgusting, its disrespectful and unbelievably immature. I just want to know why they chose to fuck with me! I want to know why he didn't get to come back! I just want an answer! you want to pull lawyers into this.. fine.. two can play this game, and I will to! I am so goddamn sick of being treated like a fucking doormat! This isn't for lack of trying on my part. This isn't from lack of communication on my part. I called those assholes hundreds of times a day, I sent letters, I told T, I told his dad.. I told everyone, Jerry Kamora his CYS Caseworker needs to come and get his damn bike! Jerry never called us back. probably because he is friends with Michael's ex Jen. I figured that would be an issue. No amount of telling me it wouldn't would make me feel better, and I have a sinking feeling I was accurate. He didn't even have the common courtesy to call me back, neither did Genese Wayman! neither of them! and they liked us or so I thought.


What these assholes don't realize is every time they drag this shit out.. every time I am reminded.. it's like it's happening all over again.. it's that day again. and my heart breaks all over again. this is causing me some serious emotional strain. and this week has weakened me enough. I haven't any strength left, nothing everyone has drained me of it, and I just.. I can't go on like this.. and I don't know how to fix it.. I don't even know how to talk about it.. nor do I even really want to, Dan keeps txting me.. saying I can talk to him, and I just.. don't want to talk to anyone.. I just want to go away.. I am just so sick of everything. and everyone. I just.. fuck I don't know. I don't even want to go home, because I know everyone will be trying to make me feel better.. and I don't want that.. I can't be made to feel better.. and maybe for once, maybe I ought to cry for a while, maybe I should actually face it, maybe I should just deal instead of being a jackass and swallowing it down like I always do, letting the consoling words of everyone make it go away. I dunno. or maybe I'm not ready for that. we'll see. I feel like I am going to walk in the door to my home and see all his stuff piled up there and just loose it.. I don't just feel like it.. I know that's how it's going to play out.. I know myself well enough to know what I can handle and what I can't. you're never free right?



Lately I have been feeling like no one understands me.. or what I do. It's strange, it's almost like my house is it's own little world outside of the rest of the world. a place where people go sometimes to find solace. and I am left to wonder why I can't. from Jackie's mother calling me “no-good” to nikki making hurtful verbal attacks at me.. I just feel like no one gets what I do. everyone seems to think I am some kind of nut. is it so wrong to want to help people? is it so terrible to want to provide a place for my close friends, who I consider family, to get away from what they are dealing with and get a change of scenery? and try and help them heal? yes, I know in doing so I ignore myself, but I haven't yet figured out how to manage this delicate balancing act. I am but one person, and I have made the choice that everyone else matters more than I do. I give up sleep, I give up my hard earned money, I give up my serenity, I give my heart, I give my soul, I give my home, I give my food.. I just.. give everything I have and am.. and honestly.. I don't care.. and I want to.. it's who I am.. and it makes me feel better, if I can put a smile on the face of someone I love, even if just for one second, it makes any amount of hell I go through worth it. I don't even want a thank you. why is this so horrible? why is this something people feel the need to pick apart and analyze? how does this make me a bad person? has this world become so completely jaded and one-sided that they just refuse to see things in any other light then their own? have we forgotten about humanity? what happened to just helping.. it's so unfortunate how selfish people are.. it's utterly disgraceful.. I am nothing if not selfless.. I don't know how to be selfish.. if I wanted to live like the rest of you and think like the rest of you I would.. I would go day to day ignoring the people I cared about, I would sit in my high tower pretending to know everything, and I would tell you how to live your life, I would tell you everything you were doing is wrong. but I don't want that.. I just want to see everyone I love have the happiness I can't have, I want the best for this world of misery I trudge through every day. if I touch one life I consider that an accomplishment. but everyone feels the need to lash out at me! is it because you wish you could do what I do? is it because you hate that I can't ignore people? what? for the love of god what? what did I do? why do I deserve this? or are you just that devoid of character that you have to lower someone to make yourself feel better? I just don't understand. but I suppose in the great scheme of things.. it really doesn't matter.. because I am just going to keep on doing what I am doing.. and nothing anyone can say or do will stop me, I know I will meet many brick walls, and have.. and some take more to nock down than others.. (ugh with the metaphors) but in life we will have this.. one thing I have learned.. actually I have learned quite a bit.. and I aim to share my experiences, because sometimes they help people get through their own.. and with that said.. I still can't help myself..

He's Right...

Sometimes we need to just listen.. sometimes we need to see things through unclouded eyes.. eyes that see with more heart than you have.. because i have no more heart left, not for her anyways, and he is right, as much hell as she put me through, that girl is still human, and part of me considers her a failure on my part, considers her an abandonment, and i am stronger than this.. did i let people get to me? or could i really not take it any more? I'm not so sure anymore.. the more i think about it.. was she really all that bad? could i have helped her? could i have had more patience with her? could i not have stuck it out until thursday? i dunno... there are all these unanswered questions and what ifs.. and as i said before.. it's all those what ifs that will kill you.. and night after night, i listen, and i wonder if this decision, was not the best one. i see how much he hurts, i hear the words he cries.. and it breaks my heart. and for once in my life i don't know how to fix things.. and i don't know how to deal with that. i have always been a problem solver, and this position.. is something new.. and a little bit scary.. maybe it's that i don't have control over the situation? i seem to like that? damn.. i am over analyzing now.. thanks nikki.. i am just edgy and i don't know why.. i can't deal with anyone.. and i just want everyone to go away.. like i could scream if i don't get some time alone.. and thats not like me... i don't know what's going on! i don't understand my emotions.. i really think i am headed for some sort of meltdown or something.. fuck.. gurrr


John.. this one is for you...

I want you to know, i see so much potential in you, i have know you so many years now, i have seen you through so much.. watched you grow, watched you fall.. from a distance maybe.. wither you knew it or not.. i kept tabs on you.. when you made the bad choices you did.. my heart ached for you, and i knew there was nothing i could do, you had to learn for yourself. as we walk this rocky road called life.. one thing i know is true.. like i promised you all those years ago, i am not going anywhere... you will always have me to fall back on. and you will rise above.. like a Phoenix from the ashes of the pain and torment and shit that this world has piled upon you. i understand you, if no one else does, and i wish nothing more than your happiness. and i will stop at nothing to help you achieve that. your heart is pure, your emotions are true, and your intentions are good. you will without a doubt change the world, you will do great things.. you will make someone so happy. you can do this. don't ever for a second doubt yourself. don't look back, don't think, just move forward. be all that you can... because i believe in you. i always have and always will..