2.02.2009

He's Right...

Sometimes we need to just listen.. sometimes we need to see things through unclouded eyes.. eyes that see with more heart than you have.. because i have no more heart left, not for her anyways, and he is right, as much hell as she put me through, that girl is still human, and part of me considers her a failure on my part, considers her an abandonment, and i am stronger than this.. did i let people get to me? or could i really not take it any more? I'm not so sure anymore.. the more i think about it.. was she really all that bad? could i have helped her? could i have had more patience with her? could i not have stuck it out until thursday? i dunno... there are all these unanswered questions and what ifs.. and as i said before.. it's all those what ifs that will kill you.. and night after night, i listen, and i wonder if this decision, was not the best one. i see how much he hurts, i hear the words he cries.. and it breaks my heart. and for once in my life i don't know how to fix things.. and i don't know how to deal with that. i have always been a problem solver, and this position.. is something new.. and a little bit scary.. maybe it's that i don't have control over the situation? i seem to like that? damn.. i am over analyzing now.. thanks nikki.. i am just edgy and i don't know why.. i can't deal with anyone.. and i just want everyone to go away.. like i could scream if i don't get some time alone.. and thats not like me... i don't know what's going on! i don't understand my emotions.. i really think i am headed for some sort of meltdown or something.. fuck.. gurrr

6 comments:

Lost said...

Love, I'm sorry about all of this. I know you worry that maybe you didn't do more for her, but at the same time, what could you really have done, in the state of mind you were in? She was driving you crazy, that was not your fault.

As a result, you probably would have done more harm than good, had you let things stay the way they were. You weren't getting any sort of relief, and because of that, you might have really DONE something you would have regret.

I don't know the whole sitch, and I can't say if it was right or wrong to send her that far away, (I'm assuming she has family there, or is from there, or something of the like) but at the moment, it was what you needed to do.

Immediately you and Jax, felt the tension in the house subside. She (Sarah) might not be a bad person, but she's carrying baggage, whether it be aware to her or not, she's got that 'vibe' which could be described as many a thing, and I wont get into it here.

But it was best to get her and it out of your house, for YOUR sanity. For Jax's and everyone elses. Don't beat yourself up for doing what needed to be done, to protect your own santiy. Don't let this Nikki person say shit to you, because she wasn't in that situation.

And had she been, she honestly can't say she would have done anything different. It's one of those things that you just don't know until you are in the situation. I'm here to talk if you need to hun. Good luck.

BluExtacy said...

wow, thanks, you said probably exactly what i needed to hear, and she does have family, just a bunch of crack heads, they dropped her off at the bridgeport mental health group home where she has a much better chance, now it's watching john, he is hurting so much, the wake she left.. is.. unreal... he doesn't know if she is even alive, and she just told him to go.. at least i can focus on getting him through now. the name of the game has gone from survive to heal.. and we all seem to be doing just that. as far as Nikki.. she can suck it, i have decided that i seriously hate her at this point, i was there when she was pregnant with both of her children, i helped raise them, i call her mother mom, yet she chooses to disrespect me in such a manner, i never asked anything of her and gave her all i had, and so much more.. she basically gave me a huge fuck you.. so in return i will grace her with my silence. as i feel that is most deserving of such disrespect. i'm just sick of the people i love breaking my heart is all i dunno.. such is life right?

Unfathomable said...

I'm sorry that all of this is going on hon. I really am. I know I haven't exactly been following as much as I could be right about now, but, been extremely stressed and nervous with khai coming here tomorrow. :/ But, I'm here to talk if you need someone.

I don't think that you made the wrong choice in what you did. Because, if you felt that was what you had to do at the time, then, surely, its for the best. I believe everything happens for a reason. Whether good or bad comes from it. So.. Just keep your head up, everything will smooth out.

BluExtacy said...

I to believe in the everything happening for a reason theory, i am a firm believer in it.. i just have trouble seeing the why it happened part, i think sometimes i need instant gratification, well maybe not gratification.. clarification.. but.. i'm sure it will come to me. and as far as you not following, i haven't exactly been keeping up with you and Khai either, so no worries.. we all have our ups and downs, and i'm sure when we are all back on track we will be back in swing. and honey, you and Khai will be fine, seriously, there is little love in this world like you and he have, i have every bit of faith that it will be the most magical thing you have ever experienced. you'll feel silly for worrying so much, and you will know no happiness like the day you lay eyes upon him. but, non the less i will keep you in my thoughts.

zero said...

I feel a bit out of place commenting here... I mean It's hard to read how my pathetic emotions deeply impact you but on the other hand when you hurt I hurt. I want you to know sending her back was overall the best thing you could do. Lost is correct Sarah does have a "vibe" she is not aware of I totally know what you are talking about and it had a strong grip on me. Kar You set me free in so many ways, don't let my emotions fool you. sometimes I cry because of the gift you gave me...emotional emancipation you have known me to have a heart and be caring; but have you ever truly seen me express feelings? can you believe its been almost 13 years no wonder I'm a "moody bitch" its all coming out. And I thank you for helping me through this, each day I get stronger strong enough so that I can nurture you back for all the insanity that I brought with me. It all happens for a reason right? I'm can't express how sorry I am that it was at your cost but If you'll let me I'll try to piece things back together. you bring out the best in me and I am so glad to have a close friend like you.
Your man is very lucky I hope he knows that. I say that in a loving way really.
If you want you can delete this I just wanted to try and put some closure to this.

John

BluExtacy said...

delete? are you insane? i never delete any comments.. ever not for any reason, and its ok.. this is a very old entry, and your a bit slow, this was before you were reading these things.. sorry to make you feel bad..