2.02.2009

Unsure...

Lately I have been feeling like no one understands me.. or what I do. It's strange, it's almost like my house is it's own little world outside of the rest of the world. a place where people go sometimes to find solace. and I am left to wonder why I can't. from Jackie's mother calling me “no-good” to nikki making hurtful verbal attacks at me.. I just feel like no one gets what I do. everyone seems to think I am some kind of nut. is it so wrong to want to help people? is it so terrible to want to provide a place for my close friends, who I consider family, to get away from what they are dealing with and get a change of scenery? and try and help them heal? yes, I know in doing so I ignore myself, but I haven't yet figured out how to manage this delicate balancing act. I am but one person, and I have made the choice that everyone else matters more than I do. I give up sleep, I give up my hard earned money, I give up my serenity, I give my heart, I give my soul, I give my home, I give my food.. I just.. give everything I have and am.. and honestly.. I don't care.. and I want to.. it's who I am.. and it makes me feel better, if I can put a smile on the face of someone I love, even if just for one second, it makes any amount of hell I go through worth it. I don't even want a thank you. why is this so horrible? why is this something people feel the need to pick apart and analyze? how does this make me a bad person? has this world become so completely jaded and one-sided that they just refuse to see things in any other light then their own? have we forgotten about humanity? what happened to just helping.. it's so unfortunate how selfish people are.. it's utterly disgraceful.. I am nothing if not selfless.. I don't know how to be selfish.. if I wanted to live like the rest of you and think like the rest of you I would.. I would go day to day ignoring the people I cared about, I would sit in my high tower pretending to know everything, and I would tell you how to live your life, I would tell you everything you were doing is wrong. but I don't want that.. I just want to see everyone I love have the happiness I can't have, I want the best for this world of misery I trudge through every day. if I touch one life I consider that an accomplishment. but everyone feels the need to lash out at me! is it because you wish you could do what I do? is it because you hate that I can't ignore people? what? for the love of god what? what did I do? why do I deserve this? or are you just that devoid of character that you have to lower someone to make yourself feel better? I just don't understand. but I suppose in the great scheme of things.. it really doesn't matter.. because I am just going to keep on doing what I am doing.. and nothing anyone can say or do will stop me, I know I will meet many brick walls, and have.. and some take more to nock down than others.. (ugh with the metaphors) but in life we will have this.. one thing I have learned.. actually I have learned quite a bit.. and I aim to share my experiences, because sometimes they help people get through their own.. and with that said.. I still can't help myself..

14 comments:

Lost said...

What is true, is considered lies, what is real, is considered fantasy.

You, my dear, know what is real, and chose to live in what others consider fantasy. Let them yell, yet them call names, you know, what is what, and NO ONE else can tell you other wise.

Forget everyone else in the sense that know they believe what they will, and the closer we get to ascending, the farther they get from understanding us. But! we understand each other.

Keep doing what you are doing, you were made to do just that. You will be rewarding when and where it counts. Keep your chin up, and faith alive.

BluExtacy said...

You know Khai.. for someone who's nick is "Lost" you make more sense than most people, and you bring more understanding into my life than anyone i have ever met. sometimes.. i would be lost without you. *giggles* thank you Khai.. thank you a thousand times for your understanding and your consoling words. you are an asset to this world.

Lost said...

I use lost as a metaphor. I'm lost in this 'daydream' and I'm dreaming my life away.

In other words, I am beyond this world, and to the 'people' I am nothing but a dreamer, and 'alien' to them.

Much like you are. But that's the thing, we know what is real, and we don't let their words get to us.

Do what you need to do, and just know that in the end, it'll all work out.

I am only as much an asset to this world as you are. You just have to learn to see with your eyes closed.

Jackarooo said...

Karin you aren't 'no good' my mother is just a bitch as you well know... You're 'very good'. I thank you all the time for letting me come up here it really is the one place where I'm not afraid of living ... I know John thanks you as well... Seriously tho you're the most kind hearted person I know ...everyone else would just write ppl like me and John off but you didn't/don't you're a one of a kind person and a dam good one

BluExtacy said...

See with my eyes closed.. i like that.. alot actually.. that is incredibly insightful. *super big hugs*

BluExtacy said...

and my Jackie.. you know i love you, always have and always will.. you and i were meant to be friends till the end. you are one person i am incapable of EVER turning my back on. you forever have a place in my heart and in my home. no matter where life brings you. and i don't need your thanks, you thank me each day by standing by my side. you are there for me just as much as i am there for you and that means everything.

Unfathomable said...

*hugs*

All I can say is, exactly what Khai has already said o.O

But, just for stating to state it with my own mouth here, I think that you should continue doing what you are doing, because, there isn't anything wrong with the way you are. You're a blessing to so many people, and that is all that matters. Not the others that tend to hate on what you're doing. :/

BluExtacy said...

*hugs back* Thanks Kash i really do appreciate that...

and to everyone.. i really feel loved toady.. what an out pouring of support.. i know who my true friends are.. thanks again all of you!

Jackarooo said...

I don't know what you're talking about Karin ... o and dinner was yummy :) even with the tomato stuff

Lost said...

*big hugs*

BluExtacy said...

Jax, how do you not know what i am talking about? in what sense?

BluExtacy said...

*big hugs back*

Jackarooo said...

I dunno just eat the smore already

BluExtacy said...

i did damnit!