2.03.2009

JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

this had been a week I think to remember my failures, my faults and my shortcomings... as if it wasn't already bad enough... it decided to get worse.. but isn't that how it always goes? I opened a letter today, from a ESQ. about something which I thought had been laid to rest by the silence I received from CYS.

Dear Ms. Overfield:

Please be advised that I represent T S (ya'll know who this is if you know me) in the above matter. (doesn't she mean below matter? freggin re re, what is she 5? writing this with her little marker?) It is my understanding you were a foster parent for T in 2008. (little longer than that asshole) As you are aware, T is currently placed with aonother foster family. (FUCKING DUH! Was this really nesicary?????? BLODDY MORON!)
However, several personal items belonging to T were left at your residence when T was moved. (don't you mean removed? or ripped involuntarily from my home?) Enclosed herewith, (wow.. no comment) kindly find a list of items T identified as the personal items that were left at your residence. Kindly contact me upon receipt of this letter in order to make arrangements for the transfer of T's belongings.

Thank-you for your anticipated cooperation in this matter. I look forward to and am awaiting your telephone call. (oh? JUST YOU FUCKING WAIT!)

Very Truely Yours, (what? is that for real? is she daft?)
Corinne E. Thiel, Esquire

*sigh* sooo.. yeah.. then there was this photocopied, handwritten note from T, detailing what he wanted.. or lack of detail was more like it.. he was rather vague, it broke my heart, I am glad all the love and support I gave him meant something. I am glad the changes I made to my life and my home were worth it. I am glad loosing my job was so the right thing to do. yeah.. I lost my job because I CHOSE to take him in when HIS family wouldn't step up! HIS family didn't want him, but I was right there!!!! no questions asked!! I fucking OFFERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and this is how it ends! with a fucking letter from a goddamn lawyer. I really rate high. He said he was happy, he said he finally had a home. I gave him more than I ever gave anyone, my family saw it. He changed me. I thought I had, had some effect on him but apparently he would rather be like he was, go back to his old ways, I want to believe that he had nothing to do with this. but michael tells me not to think that way. that he most certainly had everything to do with this. he asked for it. I want to believe it is the people he resides with, egging him on, I want to believe it is them putting these ideas in his head, but I know better, its how he was raised, and nurture always wins. though I am sure they play a small role.

So it seems Michael's solution is to bring all his stuff, to just get it over with. the stuff that a month ago I was told we didn't have. I don't agree, I think I need a response from CYS first, the silent treatment is so disgusting, its disrespectful and unbelievably immature. I just want to know why they chose to fuck with me! I want to know why he didn't get to come back! I just want an answer! you want to pull lawyers into this.. fine.. two can play this game, and I will to! I am so goddamn sick of being treated like a fucking doormat! This isn't for lack of trying on my part. This isn't from lack of communication on my part. I called those assholes hundreds of times a day, I sent letters, I told T, I told his dad.. I told everyone, Jerry Kamora his CYS Caseworker needs to come and get his damn bike! Jerry never called us back. probably because he is friends with Michael's ex Jen. I figured that would be an issue. No amount of telling me it wouldn't would make me feel better, and I have a sinking feeling I was accurate. He didn't even have the common courtesy to call me back, neither did Genese Wayman! neither of them! and they liked us or so I thought.

STOP SENDING SHIT TO MY DAMN HOUSE IF YOU DONT WANT ME!!!!!!! STOP FUCKING WITH ME! JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF MISGUIDED PIECES OF SHIT! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! YOU DON'T CARE ONE SECOND ABOUT WHAT'S RIGHT YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT! I HOPE YOU ALL GET A SERIOUS DOSE OF KARMA!

What these assholes don't realize is every time they drag this shit out.. every time I am reminded.. it's like it's happening all over again.. it's that day again. and my heart breaks all over again. this is causing me some serious emotional strain. and this week has weakened me enough. I haven't any strength left, nothing everyone has drained me of it, and I just.. I can't go on like this.. and I don't know how to fix it.. I don't even know how to talk about it.. nor do I even really want to, Dan keeps txting me.. saying I can talk to him, and I just.. don't want to talk to anyone.. I just want to go away.. I am just so sick of everything. and everyone. I just.. fuck I don't know. I don't even want to go home, because I know everyone will be trying to make me feel better.. and I don't want that.. I can't be made to feel better.. and maybe for once, maybe I ought to cry for a while, maybe I should actually face it, maybe I should just deal instead of being a jackass and swallowing it down like I always do, letting the consoling words of everyone make it go away. I dunno. or maybe I'm not ready for that. we'll see. I feel like I am going to walk in the door to my home and see all his stuff piled up there and just loose it.. I don't just feel like it.. I know that's how it's going to play out.. I know myself well enough to know what I can handle and what I can't. you're never free right?

3 comments:

Unfathomable said...

That's gotta be hard hon.

I'm sorry you're going through something like this. I really am. I don't really have a lot of words that I could say right now about what's going on, but, just know I'm here to talk if you need someone despite you want to talk or not.

&; Kash

Lost said...

I had meant to reply to this, but I hadn't. :/ Sorry.

I just want to say I love you, and I'm sorry that they are doing this shit. I swear, state agencies have no heart. Grr.

BluExtacy said...

they really don't but.. as it turns out, when mike talked to the ESQ. it wasn't even CYS, it was timmy, and that hurts ten times over, the kid i loved and nurtured, decided to go that route, i am just miffed.. but thanks Khai.. and love you too buddy.. and Kash, its ok, there really isn't much to say, people suck.. thats really that.. gurrs