Revelations.. or something like it..

Here I am.. I had a shitter of a day yesterday.. and expected one today.. but I got to work, and no janice, the place was clean and I got right to cooking.. it's odd.. step away from my world and into another.. and things that once were disappear.. I'm sure as soon as I leave here it will come rushing back.. but for now.. this moment.. with the people I care for I feel fine. and in life it's these silly little unexpected moments we must cling to.. for they are the special ones, where life slows down for a minuet and nothing can touch you. as they are few and far between. I threw a little Dave Matthew's Band on and I'm sitting there watching them eat dinner, in some ways I am jealous of how they have it. they don't have to worry, their food is made, their home is kept their bills are paid. .they just get to relax and enjoy. they don't even need to bath or get dressed.. that too is done for them. then again it probably makes life seem menial.. but do they really know the difference? are they even capable of comprehending what they miss out on, on a daily basis? or are they super aware of other things.. do they feel music instead of just hearing it? do they see colors and shapes in a different way? I would love to see through their eyes if only for a second, I think the world must be beautiful for them, they are never really unhappy.. and always so loving, and so damn appreciative. eh.. I'm just babbling.. but these are the things that go through my head when I sit here and watch them interact. humm... well.. on to my reality waiting for me.. today I had a talk with John because Sarah outright refused to do the dishes.. which to me is rather disrespectful, especially since she complained to me not three days ago about how John refused to get up and do anything. I questioned Michael about this as he spends more time with them then I. but it would seem according to Michael that they fight on a daily basis about her not doing anything and that John is really frustrated with her. I am much more inclined to believe Michael as I really don't know Sarah and as of yet have not heard one good thing about her. I seemingly have this ability to see the good in everyone.. and well.. with her I am still looking.. and that's very strange for me to be still looking.. I find these things right off the bat. but maybe just maybe there is no good to be found. I don't want to believe that.. but.. I suppose I have to think outside the box..

I have been thinking a little about other things... today was laundry day and I had nothing to wear except for my old clothes.. my hippy/ art major stuff.. I was sitting here wondering why did I stop doing that? I attribute it to maturity.. but then I got thinking is striving to be something you aren't really the most mature option? we spend our lives trying to be this upstanding citizen, who does everything right.. who thinks a certain way.. and goes along with the masses.. I see to many people give up their individuality as they got older because its what they thought was right. I think I am one of those people. I still think a certain way.. I just don't feel like I am free to express in a certain way.. being back at the art studios yesterday hanging with Mark it reminded me of who I was. How happy I was then covered in clay and pastel dust. not a care in the world except for what was I going to make next? we would just go for a nice drive in the country take a few hits off the blue glass bowl and head to the studios for hours on end.. free as birds with only our emotions to express though the things we lovingly created. we had such a sense of peace, we didn't care what anyone thought.. we dressed as we wanted.. we loved who we wanted and we never stopped to ask for directions or question if what we were doing is right.. we just kept on going.. and it worked for us.. we threw parties and worked on community art pieces, we goofed around and did things no one else would do. the stories we could tell.. and do tell.. as if we are 60 year old's reliving our good years.. why did they come to an end? why did I suddenly decide to let go of that? no one told me I had to.. there are all these judgmental people out there.. including someone I love dearly.. who think that pot the evil “gateway” drug or whatever.. is the worst thing out there.. and one should NEVER EVER touch it.. which is a crock of shit.. that's the sheep being lead by the propaganda machine again.. (*giggle* at least he likes the sheep) and I should make note to the fact that I am not nearly as bitter about this as I sound... *sigh* last night after at least four years of not smoking I took a hit of a joint.. ONE hit... and that old familiar taste, smell and feeling came back.. and I remembered when things were free and good.. when things were when I was truly happy.. truly myself.. truly expressive.. not held back from societal norms... not that I am going back to that as much as I want to.. I wish for just one moment in time.. things could be the way they were.. that I could think the way I thought.. that I could want the things I wanted then and dream about the things I dreamt about.. that I could live my life the way I wanted to .. but that.. that is a pipe dream.. (yes, pun intended) I long for the smell of Acrylic paint in my hallway and the giggles of the girls as they drew yet another abstract piece on the hallway wall.. I miss the all nighters.. and being up all night because there was no way we could sleep! Cocaine will do that to you. even that doesn't seem so bad... though I know it is.. I miss eating mushrooms at Frenchie's farm out in Honesdale.. and running through the fields for hours.. tasting colors.. feeling the air... talking about the most ridiculous stuff.. (god I miss you frenchie.. I hope god is holding you in his arms.. you never let go of the dream.. ) I miss Tom building a fort out of his paintings and refusing to come out.. because he was in Andy's room too long.. hehe.. we all know Andy's room.. Missy and I spent hours there.. and god Missy.. I miss you.. you let go of the dream too.. no more Blondie at the Keroke bar.. I miss the 7 foot meat sculptures, the snow angels at 5 am in the glistening night air.. I miss driving to no where.. not caring how lost we were.. just drinking in the sunshine.. appreciating the world and life as we knew it... our music at top volume singing our hearts out... laughing with the wind in our hair.. all of you can sit there on your high horses and judge me with out ever knowing.. but know this.. I know a world you will never know.. I know a peace you will never find.. I have learned more about life than you can ever even fathom knowing.. not until you give this life a try.. or you can continue to live your life of judgement and egotism.. I don't care.. I know I am better for all I have done.. I know I am better for all the people I have met.. helped.. loved and gotten to know.. everyone that had touched my life in some way I will never forget.. and they have helped mold the person I am today.. whoever that is..

I meet the most multidimensional people.. I never judge.. I wait to get to know you.. I have never cared for the looks of a person.. for the money a person has.. for the way they live their lives.. people are all inherently good to me.. and meeting someone new is like opening a present for the first time.. either its something you really wanted or you are let down and disappointed with the gift they leave you with.. I have met people I will never for get that just disappeared from my life.. but that's who they were and I expected it.. like that guy that drove me out to the Nicholeson Bridge one day and we marveled at the architecture and work that had gone into it.. and stoned as we were I got a wonderful history lesson that day on the area I lived in.. he remained in my english class that semester.. we shared poetry, short stories, art work, music and spent hours out in the woods walking around.. talking about nothing really.. and then just like that he disappeared... I remember when I was out in Main at a work camp helping build houses for the less fortunate.. (i use that term lightly.. in some ways they are more fortunate, where they lack worldly possessions and the devils money they are rich with love and understanding.. and humbled something this world lacks) anyways.. I met this guy.. I ignored most of the people I went there with and just sat with him all night every night after the work.. next to the bonfire.. sining with him.. we shared our hearts in song.. and i'll never forget him either.. but just like that he was gone from my life.. and this guy Tony.. I remember he lives on Pelham Pkwy in NY.. hehe.. he was something else.. we talked for hours.. about nothing... up at life tech.. getting into all sorts of trouble.. and there was Andy.. umm... Andy Fisher.. that was his name.. I met him at Johnny Seasaws.. and for one magical moment when I was 13 we sat outside on the swings watching the snow fall holding hands.. and we shared that way.. didn't talk much.. but him too.. all these people are gone from my life.. and I don't know why.. but I will never forget any of them.. its odd how you just think of this stuff.. so random.. I just love people I think.. I love getting to know them.. just on my terms.. and at some-point.. we all move on.. its life.. like I was telling Uncle Ace last night.. loss is part of life.. as is death.. you can't have life with out either of these things.. and until you learn to deal with both of them.. you aren't really living.. your just waiting..

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