These things....

I somehow can't turn my brain off.. it's flooded with memories.. and things I just can't make sense of.. and I am left to wonder.. what if? and the what if's will kill you. because what if is really nothing, because the time has past to make the what if's a reality. I am missing something, I don't know what it is, I have found a lot of things that I was looking for, but I am still missing something. how do you find the way to true happiness? and does it really exist? is there a way to really and truly free yourself from all the things holding you back? is there a way to just forget and move on? and why haven't I figured it out yet if such a thing exists? for all intensive purposes I should be the happiest person alive, well right now anyways.. but I am finding it harder and harder to let go, and just go along for the ride. especially when so many things go unanswered, when so many things just don't make sense to me. its like religion, I see people finding strength and happiness in it, and I want that.. but my reason wont allow it.. I have no faith in anything. and how can I? there is not much that has ever worked out for me. I guess I am getting sick of thinking its all good, and finding out it isn't all I had thought it was.