Thoughts..

Why is it sometimes we become utterly inundated with memories.. some we wish to forget some we never want to.. but they flood up at the strangest times... sometimes eerily calming.. sometimes even though happy, leaving a residual mournful tone on your life? (this has to be the largest run on sentence ever) I know lately i have been sharing memories with you all... possibly because there are so many things to trigger them lately. However i find myself asking why? why now? could it be the change in season? could it be my inability to reach out and the fact that maybe now i am trying? who knows... i think i need to stop being so overly analytical. i have really been trying to come to terms with the way things have gone in my life, i just don't really like having to feel.. i am so much more content to be comatose.. though this is no way to live, there is no quality of life going though the motions. eric decided last night that he thinks i gave up. sometimes i wonder myself. his inability to understand what i am feeling makes conversations quite strained. he thinks he has all the answers.. and i should have moved on by now.. i should not be feeling like this any more.. i told him let me feel how i wish.. i am still going though the motions even though they are meaningless.. he just can't leave well enough alone. its frustrating really. does he suggest my former methods worked? i think not! my way of coping was the most self destructive imaginable. now somehow i need to enact a change. which is never easy. and i hate change. i had decided the other day that i surround myself with people that are in need of help to escape my own need for help. i don't know how to reach out.. i don't know how to say that things just aren't right what do i do? i don't even know that if i were to anyone could help. i have heard nothing aside from i should not feel the way i do.. this.. is not advice.. this is not.. help.. this is not the words i need to hear.. i need comfort i need something.. i need to be away from the cold icy hearts i surround myself with.. and in the arms of love.. *sigh* i think i need to stop blabbering before i get committed.