12.20.2008

Why can't anything in my life go right?

Have i not dealt with enough this year? I mean damnit god have you not broken me down for your amusement a fair amount of times? this is just one little tiny thing that i asked for that meant the whole world to me.. i just wanted to see my family... i just wanted to be with aunt nancy and to make my mother happy... now i am stuck here because of snow.. and i am working on christmas.. i guess i am not deserving of christmas with my family. and i am just left to wonder what did i do that was so terrible? god.. life has just become such a hard thing to fake, and i am really getting sick of trying and having a negative end result.

so then i went back to bed after this.. and woke up to "why are we not in the car?" to which i explained that dad said the roads were treacherous there and didn't want us to leave so i didn't wake you up. and i of course started crying because i am so upset about not being able to leave. and i get "why are you crying? we should have left last night when i said we should have i wanted to leave this state too" to which i replied, "leaving the state and seeing your family for christmas are two totally different things, you don't even like my family." i get back well.. "i like your dad" great.. yeah.. so its really the same fucking thing. i seriously hate my life. i can't do the things that make me happy and the people around me have to make me feel bad about it and make me think its my fault, even janice said last night "it depends on how determined you are i drove to NC in a worse snow storm took me 12 hours but i did it" and here i am thinking.. i could barely handle my 30 min trip home yesterday and wanted out of that car so fast.. how in the hell am i going to make it on a 6 hour trip? he acts like i didn't want to go enough, all i want to do is see my mom and dad and aunt nancy very badly.. and possibly aunti em.. but.. it didn't work out that way. does he not think i feel bad enough that he had to make me feel worse? like i did this to myself.. what happened to compassion and understanding? guess it went out the window.. so much for the spirit of the holiday, if there ever was such a thing. i hate christmas. i always have. its been a wicked time for me for the last few years.. i was determined to change that trend this year.. and i failed. this christmas sucks too... fuck everything.

2 comments:

Lost said...

*just holds you*

BluExtacy said...

thanks buddy.. i could use it :(